I'll show you mine if you show me yours

Apparently today to National Delurker Day. Yes people, I said NATIONAL. And since I got y'all hot and bothered with thoughts of my hubs elephant weenie dance I figured what better time for a coming out party?! COME OUT OF THE CLOSET! Not to mention comments send me on a TOTAL HIGH for the rest of the day, I liken it to snorting crushed up dark chocolate after binging on spicy Thai noodles and cheap cabernet. Melts in your nose not in your hand.

Anyway, regardless of whether your expose yourself today (tomorrow, ANY DAY REALLY) or not, thanks for reading my blog. It's nice to think I'm not the only one who does it.

Two blogs are harder than one

It is hard to think about things to blog about for ONE blog - let alone TWO! I promised myself I would not bombard my readers with blah, blah, pregnancy crap. HOWEVER, it turns out, when you're actually pregnant - it's all you can think about!

That aforementioned crap is spewed over at Please Send Parenting Books, which if you are so inclined, can find by clicking on the cute little bird in my sidebar. Except for Jennie!, because Jennie thinks babies are assholes.

So I figured tomorrow I will do a My Favorite Things post - because I haven't done one in a while. And that leaves today. Well, today I wanted to send some shout outs.

Congratulations to MERMANDA! She got hitched to her perfect merman last weekend. WOOT! WOOT! She was a beautiful bride and I CANNOT WAIT to see more pictures and hear all about it once she's done shagging her brains out in Mexico.

Here we find her in a bathroom stall with a bridesmaid up her dress. Isn't she gorgeous? (sweetheart necklines make me ::swoon::)


And, my good friend E gave birth (NATURALLY! GOLD STAR FOR E!) to her second baby yesterday! (remember her red-headed daughter Miss Z whom I ADORE) Welcome Amelia Lindsay, good luck trying to get your sister to share her goldfish crackers!



And lastly, a huge HOLL-AH! to my Hubs. Because he is amazingly awesome and has 18 residency interviews already and is that much closer to actually having an income. YAY!!

Eating Nemo, without cooking him, is just plain wrong

Image via Dead Zebra, Inc

Last night we had a Jewish GNO (girl's night out) where we get together once a month for dinner. This was my first time being invited to this particular group, so I vowed to be on my best behavior so not to embarrass my friend who invited me [So, who's the red-headed, kid-less jew chick?]

When I got the original invite (via Facebook, where else?) I thought the restaurant was a steakhouse. Upon checking further, it did not serve steak (or "beefy wonder" as my mom calls it, she has strong opinions about meat) rather, it was a Japanese restaurant specializing in fish - the dead kind that's wrapped up to look pretty. YIKES! I considered bailing rather than embarrassing my friend with my horror, but she reassured me via text that they have other things to eat (probably not hot dogs).

When I arrived I was thrilled to see teriyaki chicken on the menu (you know you've been approached in a mall food court by a small Asian woman forcing a meaty toothpick in your face) so I ordered that. AND (oh the delish-ISH glory) MISO SOUP. Yes, I like soup made of bean curd, tofu, spinach and onion. I heart it actually and will eat your bowl should you decide you don't like it.

While the rest of the girls oohed and awwed over the eel rolls and pink fishy goodness - I enjoyed my fully cooked food.

And when they asked me why I didn't eat sushi. I was able to not go into my usual nausea-inducing diatribe, BECAUSE OF TAPEWORMS!!!! YOU LIVE NO WHERE NEAR AN OCEAN AND CHANCES ARE THAT FISH IS NOT UBER FRESH AND CLEAN. HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THE POSSIBILITY THAT WHEN YOU WAKE UP TOMORROW YOU WILL BE FILLED WITH A 9-FOOT WORM AND HAVE PROGLOTTIDS SWARMING AROUND YOUR ANUS? ( even though I've been wishing this on my brother for years, the ignorant little shit!)

No, instead, I pretended not to eat it on vague principal, "I just don't consume raw fish." I held back my educated rant even after one lady made this comment, "I'm sure all of us here, well except you [pointing to me], have read countless parenting books." What-EV, I only worked in pediatrics for years and my hubs is going to be a penis doctor so just because I haven't birthed one doesn't mean I don't know that you're totally bonkers to not vaccinate your kid.

And after watching her pile a big load of uncooked sea life into her mouth, I silently wished havoc on her butthole and proceeded to explain the concept of herd immunity.

Overall, I think it went pretty well for my first outing.

And for you kids at home that don't eat raw fishies - why not mock those who do? (via We Covet)

I have a pending sponsorship offer from Nike, so back off Adidas

When I stepped out of my car this morning to walk into work I was hit in the face by a plume of humidity. Nothing shout MIDWEST SUMMER like a sweaty upper lip and frizzy hair first thing in the morning. I walked into the building thankful that I spend my days inside..until I realized inside, felt like outside. I was greeted to a note on our office door (clearly posted to avoid nagging questions) stating that the air was broken and would most likely be out for today and tomorrow. IT WAS A BAJILLION DEGREES PEOPLE! The office reeked of stagnate air and smoke from the clothing of the cleaning staff who were emptying the garbage that was left to marinate over the weekend. The only two words that came to my mind were: SICK DAY.

But I sucked it up, went to my cubical and switched on my computer. And low and behold, two hours later, COLD AIR. Apparently, the fixers were on the ball this morning and for that I am VERY grateful.

ANYWAY, what I really wanted to brag blog about was my weekend. Well, at least one glorious hour of my weekend when I went putt putting with B. Let me preface this by saying husband and I almost GOT DIVORCED on our honeymoon when we attempted the course at the resort. I do believe this was some sort of Mexican conspiracy set up to test the bonds of marriage because after hitting a sextriple bogie, choice words were shared, clubs were thrown and well, I quit.

Without going into detail I explained to B that I’m bad at this game and often get putt-induced Tourette Syndrome. We decided to only score if someone got a hole-in-one. This was presumably easier and we didn’t have to carry around that creepy little pencil with no eraser. We also set up an escape plan. We would leave immediately if one three things happened.

1) either of us saw or thought we saw lightening

2) We felt rain drops other than windy splashes from the blue-water fountains

3) Someone urinated on us

I thought this was a pretty good plan and after a few practice putts I was ready. Can I just tell you that I made my own self look like a liar when I ROCKED that club like TIGER WOODS. Wanna take a ride on my disco stick? Because it’s officially on fire! On my fourth hole, I GOT A HOLE IN ONE! I don’t think, in my entire career of putt putt golfing, I’ve ever gotten a hole-in-one. THEN I continued to dominate that plastic grass green with 2-3 put shots. Thankyouverymuch I’m awesome.

Score: Tam 1; B 0

I smell a rematch coming on... or is that urine?

Just another manic Friday

My friend, E, made me Key Lime pie last night and her daughter ate the crumbs off my plate WITH HER FACE. It was very much awesome.

My secretary gave me a cucumber this morning.

I'm going to Outback Steakhouse this weekend with B (who is STILL single, btw).

I need to wash the kitchen floor because, well, eww.

I bought these adorable paper owls and cannot wait to assemble them!


AND I plan on watching "Labor Pains" the Lindsey Lohan movie that went straight to TV (ouch) which has been wasting away on my DVR for weeks now IN ADDITION to a few saved episodes of "Help, I peed out my baby!"

I also REEEEEEALY want to take my digital SLR to the Butterfly House at Cox Arboretum.

Now, doesn't that sound like fun?

Gimmie some LENS FLARE!

Kj and B's wedding photos are posted! They are back from Italy and settling their tired bones in Providence, RI getting ready to start residency in July.

Note: Do not have a baby or go to the ER in Rhode Island on July 1st. Instead, wait until at least July 3rd when they know what they're doing :)

*husbands face is blocked out with a microphone for anonymity

I made out with your cheek because I can

I have been in a funk lately and yesterday when husband asked, “So has anything been good lately?” I couldn’t think of a single thing. I can ALWAYS think of things – but yesterday nothing came to mind. I was going to write a post about how hard I’m hating on job/skin/life/lemonbars right now – but is that what you really want to read about?

No

With misery, comes company

and that's not the type company you or I want to keep

You want to read about how much even though my husband has been fighting cold/flu symptoms for over a week now and has kept his slobbery lips at a distant so not to infect me – I still *adore* him and have snuggled into his cheek like a middle school crush.

I bet you’d want to know about how amazing my mom is for spending six weeks in Florida taking care of my grandparents. She gets up every 6 hours to give birthday grandpa his pain medicine and even though he sasses her about not being able to scoot sans walker – he needs her. We missed Mother's Day together but I sent her a ginormous box of goodies which she called to gush over in the most I'm-not-completely-exhausted voice she could find. I am so proud of her and I miss her.

You may like to know that, much to my delight, my good friends Heidi and Jennie! moved down the street last week. You can’t imagine just how long a 15 minute drive can be until you have a Victoria Secret free panty coupon burning a hole in your pocket and no one to shop it out with. Problem. Solved.

You will definitely want to celebrate a birthday with Three Nichols because their adorable little son turned ONE on Wednesday. I can’t believe a year ago husband and I sat in the hospital room with them through the labor induction process only to have Miss Kelly push effortlessly three times and fall madly in love with her strong little boy. I wish so much that they lived closer so I could revel in his milestones with her.

I'm sure you're as excited as I am that Jim and Pam are preggers!


And lastly, something you all know, it's Friday. And no matter how many batches of lemon bars I screwed up – the week is almost gone with nothing left to do but love on my husband. Tonight is date night and I just might talk him into splitting an order of fish and chips and an ice cold Hoegaarden on a patio just before sunset.

So that’s what’s good lately

It just took me a day to remember

Nothing says I love you like the foxtrot!

B and Kj were married this past weekend and here is a peek at their first dance *swoon*

Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! Yeah, and then I'll pay for their plastic surgery so they'd look just like you!

Today, I've decided to up the *SPICY* factor on this little piece of the internets. Behold, this post is a double cherry-POP as my friend Heidi (sometimes spelled Hidi at Penn Station) blogs for the first time (welcome to the internets friend!) This momentus day also marks the first ever MARRYING A MEDICAL STUDENT GUEST POST! All I can say is wow, that was a lot of firsts.

This was the topic I enticed her with:

I would appoint her my #1 bestest friend in the universe if she would only...

Now, I introduce...Heidi!

Tamara asked me to guest post today for her and she threw a topic out at me that I find myself answering frequently when I play this game with myself. Here is my rationale:

My bestest friend in the whole universe...

would have the ability to spot a designer tag, in my size at any Plato's Closet, consignment shop or Goodwill in town.

She would be able to speed read books for me and then tell me what they say.

She would come to work and tell off my boss for me.

She would also posses super-human strength so that if there were a car in the slow lane she could swoop in (oh yeah, she can also fly), pick their car up, let me pass through, and then put them back down.

She would also be able to help me find a great boyfriend and weed out all of the losers for me.

So what does my bestest friend in the universe look like you ask? Well, I think it's a pretty standard girl rule that you MUST have a token "fat" or "ugly" friend so that when you're out with her, guys think you're hot(TER). I know this might sound bad, but you know you have/wish you had/are that girl in your friend circle.

Therefore, my bestest friend in the whole universe would posses everything I said above and look like THIS (donut included) ---->

Which one of these couples would you trust with your life?

My (early) birthday STILL has me feeling giddy (a near record for residual good-moodedness) and I still get to look forward to my actual birthday on Friday. AND we had yummy Chinese food for dinner last night so that definitely helped because the lack-luster Ohio weather isn't.

Have you heard the new Soulja Boy song "Kiss Me Through The Phone"

Baby I know that you like me, you could be my wifey
You can be my Bonnie, I can be your Clyde
Six, seven, eight, triple, nine, eight, two, one, two

I heart this song, it is my jam. But I'm forced to wonder, why does he give out a phone number? How many people do you think have called that number by now? I want to kiss my husband through the phone *all the time* so now I can sing about it.

To complete the random circle that is this post, our friends Kj and B are getting married in a little over three weeks! B and husband have been friends since like forever, I actually think they used to take baths together... so that's probably why husband is in the wedding (which is awesome because he looks HOT in a tux *swoon*). PLUS, the wedding will be my first trip to Minnes-OH-TAH! I think Eskimos live there, so I'll tell you if I see one!

They just got their engagement photos back and I think the pictures make them look very hot, successful and intimidating. Type A power couple. Kind of like, "Yeah, we're in love, but don't even think about fucking with us because we cut people for a living." CHECK IT OUT FOR YOURSELF!


Meanwhile, our pictures gave off this impression: "Dur, uh, it might be romantical if we did that thing where I kiss you in the eye..." In addition to comments that we looked like we were shooting a Viagra commercial. Type A? possible. Power Couple? laughable.


Speaking of weddings, tonight after Yoga I am meeting with our photographer to approve our wedding album (286 days later--totally my fault) Then we're going to grab a beer, because we're tight like that. I'm also going to show off my new camera - maybe she can give me some hot tips!

Don't cha think your girlfriend is hot like me?

TODAY on SMITTEN Joanna blogs about this phenomenon:

Reader's Dilemma: "My Boyfriend Crushes on Celebrities that Look Nothing Like Me. Is That Bad?"

reader's question:
Is it strange that I think my boyfriend has bad taste in (other) women? Every celebrity he finds attractive is a petite brunette with big boobs (think Eva Longoria and Jennifer Love Hewitt). That's the complete opposite of my body type (I'm tall, blonde, with smallish boobies. Many of the girls he finds hot seem trashy to me (Tara Reid, ew, even in the old days she was gross). Does this mean he doesn't find me attractive? Does he secretly wish I looked more like those celebrities? He's not a sleazeball that checks out other girls in real life; he just has weird taste and I don't know where I fit into that. Am I crazy for worrying about this?! Is this just a case of guy pretty and girl pretty?

You can click on the link above to read Joanna's answer, but here's my take:

I'd like to think my body somewhat resembles that of Scarlette Johannson and my tattoo isn't nearly as trashy as some of the tramp stamps Megan Fox has - but never has my husband ever celeb-crushed on a red head.

Instead of reading into this like a crazy person (that I am), I've convinced myself that he saves up all his red headed *love* for me. He married me, so I must have something going on (he swears it's the boobies and the trunk junk). And SO WHAT if during girls night a few weeks ago he happened to blurt out that one of our acquaintances has "sexy lips" in the middle of a totally unrelated conversation (yes, he did). I need to kick my insecurities to the curb (and so do you sister) and take a long hard look at my over thinking-self in the mirror and ask... Does my husband look ANYTHING like Taye Diggs?

If I'm gonna swoon over chocolately goodness - I can't let sexy lips and blond ambition ruin my mojo. Yes indeed, my husband loves me - crazy (and slammin' aSK) included!

We're hot together - and our fantasies make us hotter!

Cheers!

Yes, may I please speak with a Ms. Baby Mama?

Some Fridays I work for another study that recruits people from a DUI (jail alternative) program. Sometimes I like to read the intake forms for funsies. Keep in mind the people are not drunk when they get to the program.

(Sample 1) Race: American

(Sample 2) Race: Human

(Sample 3) Race: Cactation*

(Sample 4) Emergency Contact: Baby Mama 555-5555

(Sample 5) Occupation: Stripper (name of club)

*cactation = caucasian

Thank you this is very informational, excuse me while I laugh my aSK off.

Also I was at the dermatologist yesterday (having my tattoo blasted for the 10th time) and I was reading Shape magazine. I stole a page from the magazine (god I hate when people do this. I am that person.) with an ad for Caffeine strips. I haven't drank (dranken? drunk?) caffiene for over three years because of some weird sensitivity I developed to it. BUT sometimes, when I order decaf... I find out later (when I'm jittering and slapping my husband in the face) that it was, in fact, caffeinated. These test strips are great - finally a test stick you don't have to pee on to get it to work! I'm buying these. I wish I had them already.

Tonight is "husband-crashes-girls-night" We play this sometimes with Heidi and Jennie - they love it, they actually request it (like I'm not fun enough by myself!?) Husband always asks us to have a naked pillow fight or rub lotion on our boobies, because according to him, that's what girls do on "girls night." Unfortunatly, we're going to the movies (I Love You Man) so that won't be an option for tonight (as if it ever were an option). Although, I bet you five bucks (don't say "bucks" it's not ladylike) he'll still ask.

Happy Weekend! Cheers to a bunch of cactations getting drunk and having a naked pillow fight at the movies!

Merry Mazeltov and Happy Chrismakkah

This weekend we enjoyed the celebratory nature of the season with some of our friends and family. Friday night was girl’s night. Pizza, almond margaritas, cookie baking, Love Actually and a gift exchange. Pizza was gone in about a half hour and we discovered you can never have enough cranberry sugar on the rim of your margarita glass. I got exactly what I wanted: Love Actually movie, a mustard colored sweater (I’ve seen red-heads wearing this color a lot lately and I wanted to try it out!) and the pinnacle of scholarly literature, sTori Telling. Heidi gave me the book with the understanding that I would let her read it when I’m done. Fine. Fine. But I get to read the Jillian Michael's book I gave you when you’re done. I got Jennie a penguin and a Sonic gift card (with the understanding that she will take the penguin to Sonic for an icy milkshake AND give it a better name than the one it came with. Freeze is a stupid name for a penguin).

Yesterday we celebrated with my family. I think it was the coldest damn day of the year (Happy Solstice indeed!) and leave it to my car headlights to go out. Yes! Both! This left my dad and husband out in the cold with ice fingers trying to replace the frikin' headlights. They came inside every five minutes to thaw themselves.

Husband: I’m so cold I tried to put my hands down my pants to warm them up and even my butt is freezing!

They finally got the lights in and we ate dinner. My brother (age 22) was complaining the entire time that he wanted to open his gifts from Santa as my parents explained over and over that Santa doesn’t come until the 25th (duh). He had to settle for the cashmere sweater from us and two monogrammed towels as a hint for him to get a job and move out of the damn house. Husband and I hit the jackpot with cash and gift cards! My dad also made husband a display stand for his 4 wii guitars (patent pending) so we can clear out the pile of electronic gadgets in our living room. Mom packed us up some holiday cookies and matzo ball soup and sent us on our way. We lit the first lights of Chanukah before we went to bed. Overall it was a great weekend and the fact that I have a 1.5 day work week not to return until January 5th makes me even happier. Happy Mazel Christmakkah indeed!

Are you afraid of the dark?

Husband is in his surgery rotation so there are nights that I sleep alone. I lived alone in college and much of grad school with no problems what so ever. I actually enjoyed the quiet and the fact that no one could tell me not to watch trashy movies on Lifetime because they are fake and the actors are terrible. But not now. Somehow sleeping snuggled with my husband for so many years has left me with empty bed syndrom. Futhermore, I’m convinced someone is going to break in and brutally kill me. The thought of sleeping alone makes my heart pound. I’ve told you before that I’m nuts but with this, my neurosis has escalated. A few weeks ago, Heidi told me about a rapist on the loose in Columbus (thanks Heidi!) and then I watched a show about killers one night. Last week I had terrible panic attack one night waking up every hour gasping and sitting straight up in bed. When husband finally did get home around 1am he said I sat straight up in bed and looked at him scared out of my mind.

Husband: I thought you were going to scream your head off.
Me: Did I?
Husband: No, you just asked me why I was naked.
Me: That’s weird, why would I say that?
Husband: Probably because I was.

Now when I know I have to sleep alone, I am going to try to bribe my friends with pizza and wine with hopes of a pajama party. This week, I have to make my house sound more fun than Christmas lights at the zoo. Zoo, smelly. My house, fragrant. Zoo, cold. My house, warm. See? After all, I need someone to call 9-1-1 when the assailant tries to attack me. (but let’s not mention any dates, the killers might read my blog too!)

My favorite Sunday ritual is eating three bowls of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs and watching TV

See, I told you she's adorable!

Learn more about the 'parental control' button

In 2004, I received an email that said, “Hello Tamara, Welcome to TheKnot! Congratulations on your engagement.” I had just moved to Dayton and was a little over a year into my relationship. I pondered the email and then picked up the phone.

Scott: Hello?
Me: Did you register me for that knot wedding website thing?
Scott: (giggle, giggle) No, why would you say thaaat?
Me: Scott, I know you did it!
Scott: HAHAHAHA! Okay okay I did it. Do you want the password so you can start planning?
Me: Scott, I’m not engaged! I’m nowhere NEAR engaged!!
Scott: HAHAHA I know, isn’t it hilarious?

When I actually did get engaged in 2007, I asked him to be my Man of Honor... and then asked him for the password to my knot account :)

Fast forward to July. When we arrived home from our honeymoon there was a copy of Working Mother magazine waiting for me. I looked at the cover thinking our mail lady lazily misplaced the parcel (this month I got a copy of Harpers Bazaar that wasn’t mine, I kept it) except it had my name on it. I was freaked out at first, “Uh! I just got married, I don’t need Working Mother. I need how-to-keep-your-sex-life-spicy.” We evaded the constant nagging about our nuptials for years... and now this! Subtle hint maybe? I texted my primary suspect this afternoon:

Me: Did you sign me up for Working Mother magazine?
Scott: No… was I supposed to? Are you preg?
Me: No and No. But SOMEONE signed me up right after the wedding.
Scott: Maybe your vajayjay.
Me: I hate you.

I highly doubt that my vagina subscribed me, so I put my address into their website (that I have NEVER been to) today and this is what it said:

Account Status: Active Paid
Issue Information:
Your current order began with the Jul 1, 2008 issue.
Your subscription will expire with the May 1, 2009 issue.

I threw the first magazine away, but have kept the subsequent issues. I haven’t opened them, mostly because although I am working (if you call this working), I am NOT a mother. But maybe one day my loins will bear fruit and I will actually want to read articles about how to get your husband off the couch and how to monitor if your kid is fishing the internets for nekkid ladies.
Now if you subscribed me, fess up!

You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help.

This weekend I hung out with my friend E*. E and her husband babysit me when my own husband is on call, studying or pretending to be a doctor. I ask them questions about parenting and cooking and I always feel guilty for eating their food (they feed me a lot). I am like that kid next door that ALWAYS stays for dinner, except I don’t live next door. Her daughter, Miss Z, is 19 months and 21 days old. I am not a birthday stalker, I just know because she was born on my birthday (per my request) AND she has red hair (also per my request). One time we went to the outlet malls and I pretended she was my baby which worked out pretty well until E needed to breast feed her. I think milkmaids are creepy so I then pretended that I gave my baby to my friend. To keep. Anyway, Miss Z says my name when I come over and I love it.

Miss Z: Hi Ta-ma!
Me: Hi Z, can I have a hug?
Miss Z: No. (with a HUGE date in her mouth)

She used to give me hugs, but she’s not big on hugs right now so she signs for me to take off my coat and socks (or "sex" as she calls them). E and her husband usually let Miss Z spend her afternoons playing in dirt, but, since it’s winter and most of the dirt is frozen, they let her play with a stuffed bunny affixed to a sharpened bamboo stick instead. They are good parents. They also give her blanket rides and let her jump (assisted) on the couch until they are both panting and she is nowhere close to being done. Z's third word was "sht" (or "shoot" as E claims although it sounded a lot like a word you shouldn't say around babies who are learning to talk) and she always asks for random things to eat (apples, raisins) that her parents don't have in the house so they bribe her with pizza.

Z loves Calvin and Hobbs which makes me smile because my husband also loves C&H. She has a big book larger than her (with the front and back covers ripped off) that's filled with black and white strips that make her laugh. She actually climbed up in the glider and snuggled with me while we read some comics (E took a picture of this and I might be able to bribe her to send it to me). Miss Z giggles from her belly when she looks at the pictures and proclaims “funny. funny.” which actually is very funny. She is still a little confused with the cast list and calls Calvin, Hobbs and Hobbs, Tiger (her cat’s name) and although I tried to correct her – she wanted it to be that way so since she has only been on the planet for less than two years I decided to cut her some slack. Watching a baby with bright red cheeks and no socks on run around with a sharp bunny stick and say that Hobbs (er uh Calvin) is funny definitely makes for a great Saturday night. My friend Heidi met E at our wedding and thought she was a librarian. Quiet? Yes, but do you really think an actual librarian would let her kid say "shoot", eat pizza and play with a rectally-attached bunny javelin? Maybe if we ever have a baby E can get a us pointy Easter stick too. I hear she has one she might be looking to hide :)

*full names have not be used in an effort to maintain anonymity should child protective services be monitoring this blog.