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The waiting game

My baby is due in 71 days.

My new laptop will be here in 15 days.

My DVD of the first season of Glee arrives in 3 days.

The new year begins in 2 days.

Isn't it weird as the year comes to a close and we can measure it in hours instead of weeks - each moment seems like it should have a purpose?

Here's to purposeful moments - for this year and next!

Have a Jolly Holly Day

via design*sponge

My hubs and I were so thankful to make it home from the hospital last Friday just in time to light candles for the last night of Chanukah. Next year, we'll be lighting them as a family and my heart flutters at the very thought!

I will be laying here eating THE MOST DE-LISH-ISH CHOCOLATES EVER (sea salt!?) and blogging intermittently next week, but for updates on my pregnancy please visit our baby blog or click on the owl in the sidebar.

Have a wonderful holiday season my dear readers. I hope each of you are blessed with good health and cheer this weekend and always!

Bed rest also includes couch

I am finally home from the hospital, but on pretty strict bedrest for what we hope will be the last 10 weeks of my pregnancy. I should be able to blog, as long as I can dig down deep for my wit and candor - two feelings that have escaped me over the last week while I've dealt with the reality that is this situation.

Also, many of my new years resolutions are going to shit right now but Ashley is giving away a laptop and if I can win it...

my blog, my morale and my dedication to resolutions will all be thankful.

Prayer solicitation -it's what the internets are best used for

Me and baby are asking for your prayers - ten weeks of them to be exact.

Check out my baby blog (right sidebar) for the full story and even if you don't want to check it out because reading about pregnancy and babies bores you or makes your ovaries hurt or you don't really like me that much (WHY are you still reading)... can you AT LEAST do this:

Please ask God or Santa or whoever to grant me a healthy baby.

I've actually been pretty good this year. Cross my heart.

(also if you have a blog of your own, please post lots of mind numbing crap on it to keep me occupied while on bed rest over the next ten weeks. ktnxbai.)

smiles GA-LORE!

::in other news::

I'm growing a penis inside me. Click on the bird in the side bar if you want to see for yourself.

Right now TV makes me SMILE

Can I tell you how much I am TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH GLEE? Oh my goodness, that show. It makes my musical theater heart flutter every time a number starts. I get this HUGE smile on my face and cannot help but ooze with, well, GLEE.

The musical numbers from last night were SO SO GOOD! I love how these Broadway actors have crossed over and brought their talents to prime time. And aside from the faking pregnancy/teen pregnancy/homosexual undertones ... it's a family friendly show (and set in O-H I-O!)



CAN YOU IMAGINE if this was YOUR HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER??! That adorable, talented curly-haired wonder? Yes, Please. I will go back to high school FOR HIM.

My new favorite thing to do in my free time is search the YouTube for GLEE clips. I know, I have no life.

In other news, last night on "I Peed Out My Baby" the nurse looks up at this girl and says,

Congratulations! You just had a baby IN YOUR PANTS.

CLASSIC!

(to top the horrific awfulness that is the toilet baby show, they now have a show called My Monkey Baby - oh my sweet baby jesus please stop me before I watch it.)

Two blogs are harder than one

It is hard to think about things to blog about for ONE blog - let alone TWO! I promised myself I would not bombard my readers with blah, blah, pregnancy crap. HOWEVER, it turns out, when you're actually pregnant - it's all you can think about!

That aforementioned crap is spewed over at Please Send Parenting Books, which if you are so inclined, can find by clicking on the cute little bird in my sidebar. Except for Jennie!, because Jennie thinks babies are assholes.

So I figured tomorrow I will do a My Favorite Things post - because I haven't done one in a while. And that leaves today. Well, today I wanted to send some shout outs.

Congratulations to MERMANDA! She got hitched to her perfect merman last weekend. WOOT! WOOT! She was a beautiful bride and I CANNOT WAIT to see more pictures and hear all about it once she's done shagging her brains out in Mexico.

Here we find her in a bathroom stall with a bridesmaid up her dress. Isn't she gorgeous? (sweetheart necklines make me ::swoon::)


And, my good friend E gave birth (NATURALLY! GOLD STAR FOR E!) to her second baby yesterday! (remember her red-headed daughter Miss Z whom I ADORE) Welcome Amelia Lindsay, good luck trying to get your sister to share her goldfish crackers!



And lastly, a huge HOLL-AH! to my Hubs. Because he is amazingly awesome and has 18 residency interviews already and is that much closer to actually having an income. YAY!!

The internet - it's not just for porn anymore

The Internet is a crazy thing and it connects people in crazy crazy ways. I used to think that blogging was stupid. I used to think that journals were dumb. Then I started this stupid blog and I realized it was a more than just a dumb journal.

I like it because my husband can read it on his phone in between surgeries and get a glimpse of what I was thinking that day, even if I'm asleep when he gets home. I've been blogging for a year now and in a few clicks, I can remember exactly what I did last year. I can recall feelings from each month. I can live my life again by reading my own words and feelings.

I have also been touched by reading other people's blogs. I've had the opportunity to read about my friends: as they struggle through medical school, tell funny stories about dragons, and post stories and pictures of a growing baby.

I've also been touched by people I've never met. I've read about weddings and engagements. I read about decorating and residencies and recipes. One afternoon I read about a plane crash that made me want to love my husband more every day. And today, today, I read a story about Matt and Madeline(Matt's blog) and I dare you not to cry. But I double dare you not to be impressed by how his life has changed because of among many many other things, blogging.

The internet has an unparalleled ability to connect people/friends/strangers. Facebook, Blogging, websites - pick your passion. You can reach out with your eyes and you can type until your heart's content. In my *new* opinion, writing down memories is never dumb, sharing them with the world is just plain brave.

To all you blog critics out there: Don't knock it, 'till ya try it!

Kissing more is NOT a problem for me

My class was pretty lame last night and should be manageable except for that the instructor (who looks nothing like a statistician and everything like a man in the trenches of a mid life crisis who’s trying entirely too hard to look cool) wants us to use this software program I frikin' hate to analyze our data. When husband and I were in grad school we “used” the same program, I say “used” because I mostly “used” his answers to complete the assignments – pretty much everyone did. That’s.how.much.it.sucks. So this resolution is going to be a toughie! Wish me luck people.

Speaking of my husband, last night after he told me a tale from the diaries of his surgical rotation about a guy who had a giant needle-containing probe shoved up his well-dilated sphincter, he told me he wants to kiss more (kiss ME more, in case you were confused by the mental picture). THEN he told me about how during the procedure all of the surgeons told him never to have kids because your life is ruined never the same. Great.

To you, Mr. Butthole-needle surgeons, I say, “SHUT. UP.”

Glamour’s MARRIED JAKE wrote an article about how he secretly loves being married to his wife, Orange Blossom and THEY are having a baby. Mathew McConaughy even had one !

This proves that men can come around. And, according to second grade ideology, when it comes to girls, boys and bees, kissing more is the first base step. I think he’s coming around. Don’t you?

Reese and Jake smooching court side!

Bubble Bath Kisses from Le Love (get me a claw foot tub!)

What's for dinner?

Husband: We only have one chicken cordon bleu left.
Me: Really? Crap! What are we going to eat then?
Husband: We could split it...
Me: That won't be enough...
Husband: We want to lose weight anyway. We could have some tissue paper with water on it for a side dish!
Me: Yeah! If it was brown tissue paper it would be just like chocolate pudding. This will be a fun game to play once we have kids. Green can be salad, always water dressing though.
Husband: That will last for about two weeks...
Me: Why?
Husband: Because then our kids will be dead from us feeding them nothing but tissue paper.
Me: Oh. right.

Husband: I want soup for dinner.
Me: Let's go to the store and get you a can.
Husband: No, I want to go to a place where the soup is made already.
Me: You hate Panera.
Husband: I didn't say Panera.
Me: Okay, then where else has soup??
Husband: I was thinking Panera.

(leaving Panera, $17 later...)

Husband: I hate Panera. I wish we would have just gone to the store and bought a can of Progresso.
Me: I suggested that.
Husband: No you didn't...

Learn more about the 'parental control' button

In 2004, I received an email that said, “Hello Tamara, Welcome to TheKnot! Congratulations on your engagement.” I had just moved to Dayton and was a little over a year into my relationship. I pondered the email and then picked up the phone.

Scott: Hello?
Me: Did you register me for that knot wedding website thing?
Scott: (giggle, giggle) No, why would you say thaaat?
Me: Scott, I know you did it!
Scott: HAHAHAHA! Okay okay I did it. Do you want the password so you can start planning?
Me: Scott, I’m not engaged! I’m nowhere NEAR engaged!!
Scott: HAHAHA I know, isn’t it hilarious?

When I actually did get engaged in 2007, I asked him to be my Man of Honor... and then asked him for the password to my knot account :)

Fast forward to July. When we arrived home from our honeymoon there was a copy of Working Mother magazine waiting for me. I looked at the cover thinking our mail lady lazily misplaced the parcel (this month I got a copy of Harpers Bazaar that wasn’t mine, I kept it) except it had my name on it. I was freaked out at first, “Uh! I just got married, I don’t need Working Mother. I need how-to-keep-your-sex-life-spicy.” We evaded the constant nagging about our nuptials for years... and now this! Subtle hint maybe? I texted my primary suspect this afternoon:

Me: Did you sign me up for Working Mother magazine?
Scott: No… was I supposed to? Are you preg?
Me: No and No. But SOMEONE signed me up right after the wedding.
Scott: Maybe your vajayjay.
Me: I hate you.

I highly doubt that my vagina subscribed me, so I put my address into their website (that I have NEVER been to) today and this is what it said:

Account Status: Active Paid
Issue Information:
Your current order began with the Jul 1, 2008 issue.
Your subscription will expire with the May 1, 2009 issue.

I threw the first magazine away, but have kept the subsequent issues. I haven’t opened them, mostly because although I am working (if you call this working), I am NOT a mother. But maybe one day my loins will bear fruit and I will actually want to read articles about how to get your husband off the couch and how to monitor if your kid is fishing the internets for nekkid ladies.
Now if you subscribed me, fess up!

You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help.

This weekend I hung out with my friend E*. E and her husband babysit me when my own husband is on call, studying or pretending to be a doctor. I ask them questions about parenting and cooking and I always feel guilty for eating their food (they feed me a lot). I am like that kid next door that ALWAYS stays for dinner, except I don’t live next door. Her daughter, Miss Z, is 19 months and 21 days old. I am not a birthday stalker, I just know because she was born on my birthday (per my request) AND she has red hair (also per my request). One time we went to the outlet malls and I pretended she was my baby which worked out pretty well until E needed to breast feed her. I think milkmaids are creepy so I then pretended that I gave my baby to my friend. To keep. Anyway, Miss Z says my name when I come over and I love it.

Miss Z: Hi Ta-ma!
Me: Hi Z, can I have a hug?
Miss Z: No. (with a HUGE date in her mouth)

She used to give me hugs, but she’s not big on hugs right now so she signs for me to take off my coat and socks (or "sex" as she calls them). E and her husband usually let Miss Z spend her afternoons playing in dirt, but, since it’s winter and most of the dirt is frozen, they let her play with a stuffed bunny affixed to a sharpened bamboo stick instead. They are good parents. They also give her blanket rides and let her jump (assisted) on the couch until they are both panting and she is nowhere close to being done. Z's third word was "sht" (or "shoot" as E claims although it sounded a lot like a word you shouldn't say around babies who are learning to talk) and she always asks for random things to eat (apples, raisins) that her parents don't have in the house so they bribe her with pizza.

Z loves Calvin and Hobbs which makes me smile because my husband also loves C&H. She has a big book larger than her (with the front and back covers ripped off) that's filled with black and white strips that make her laugh. She actually climbed up in the glider and snuggled with me while we read some comics (E took a picture of this and I might be able to bribe her to send it to me). Miss Z giggles from her belly when she looks at the pictures and proclaims “funny. funny.” which actually is very funny. She is still a little confused with the cast list and calls Calvin, Hobbs and Hobbs, Tiger (her cat’s name) and although I tried to correct her – she wanted it to be that way so since she has only been on the planet for less than two years I decided to cut her some slack. Watching a baby with bright red cheeks and no socks on run around with a sharp bunny stick and say that Hobbs (er uh Calvin) is funny definitely makes for a great Saturday night. My friend Heidi met E at our wedding and thought she was a librarian. Quiet? Yes, but do you really think an actual librarian would let her kid say "shoot", eat pizza and play with a rectally-attached bunny javelin? Maybe if we ever have a baby E can get a us pointy Easter stick too. I hear she has one she might be looking to hide :)

*full names have not be used in an effort to maintain anonymity should child protective services be monitoring this blog.

The great pun-kin

Can you believe it’s almost Halloween? I think fall and Halloween are so much fun. I love everything about Halloween, except the scary. I love orange and black [my Alma mater colors], I love cats and pointed hats, I love dressing up and colored leaves, I love honey crisp apples and warm spiced cider. I love cool weather and hooded sweatshirts – I love comfort food and comfy socks. I love October.

Husband and I picked out our pumpkins [which somehow I manage to always pronounce pun-kin]. One big, round orange palate for each of us to carve into frowny or smiley illuminations. I even picked out an extra one that was grayish-green and technically a gourd not a pumpkin, and as we loaded our groceries and round fruit of an annual vine into the car, I began to get excited.

Me:I love fall and Halloween! When we have a kid I am going to dress them in cute orange and black jumpers that say things like “I love my mummy” every day of the month. We will go to the pumpkin patch and make costumes and decorate the house. I can’t wait!

Husband: You’re going to be bummed when our kids don’t like Halloween as much as you do.

Somehow I'm not worried. That’s thing about loving your kids, if you make something a memory - it will be special forever. When I was a little girl, my mom would stay up nights before Valentine’s Day making homemade chocolate hearts and lollipops . She would carefully wrap them in pink, red and silver foils and on Feb. 14th we each woke up to a basket of goodies, handmade with love. My dad would put a rose on my bed with a note written in his own scribbly font that said, “You’ll always be my little valentine." Those moments became memories and years later, I realized that my parents put Valentine's Day on the map for me, in a special way that no boy could ever match.

Last night, Husband and I picked out the pumpkins as part of our tradition. Building traditions, even just the two of us, gives me a glimpse of how amazing our life and family will be. Since we bought our house, Halloween has been a special time for us. We decorate our front porch into a scary, spooky wonderland that has left many a princess crying in the driveway. We think up silly costumes and hand out candy to every goblin on the block. Just before beggars night, we choose pumpkins and invite friends over. BYOP - Bring Your Own Pumpkin Party, as we like to call it. On pumpkin night, we simmer a big pot of cider spiked with dark rum and all of the best spices. We each carefully plan out our carving masterpiece and share knives around the plastic-covered table. We toast the pumpkin seeds with garlic salt and a hint of cayenne pepper and I can almost taste their zesty crunch. Afterwards, we light the pumpkins and sit by the fire pit pushing browned marshmellows between chocolate and graham crackers.

Husband and I are ready to embrace October sunsets with snuggles and smores. And our love story most definitely includes a few large-fruited autumn squashes. The smells and warmth of our fall evenings fill the night and I cannot think of a more comforting place to be. In that memory. In our tradition.

You don't have to be Christian for Santa to hate you

This weekend, Sunday in particular, made me want to jump rope with my fallopian tubes. It marked the first day of Hebrew School. My 2nd/3rd grade nose pickers are now in the 3rd/4th grade. I just happened to move up with them, so they have the same teacher – different name [although none of them said my new last name without first fumbling around with the old one!] One of the kids was particularly terrible this week. The kind of terrible where you have flashes of yourself knocking them unconscious and never being caught.

Junior's mom sent him to class with a bag of chocolate cookies, and juice box and apparently forgot throw in his ADHD medicine and some duck tape. Not five minutes into class he ran his mouth uncontrollably while the teacher [me] was talking, he then managed to piss off the incredibly nice art teacher in five seconds flat, he had his chair taken away, he splayed his body under a table on top of other kids’ feet and then, when I went to help him off the floor, he dropped his weight and about threw my back out [what appeared to be a 40lb child was actually a 75lb child with lead rocks in his shoes!] After dragging him into the hall for a “discussion” – he escaped and ran into a closet to hide for 2 hours. This child made my third job seem like capital punishment. After a few deep breaths and some Motrin – I went to the store bought some condoms, spermicidal jam and took a chastity oath. Kind of like the one that the Jonas Brother took only I am NOT going to have dirty-make-out with Taylor Swift. Moral of the story: in most cases, kids are forever. Forever will NOT begin today.

Claire picked up junior and stuffed him into a bird house she made at summer camp. It took two monkey wrenches and prayers to get him out.

There are times that cynicism and wit seem like the dark side. Why are all of my ramblings edgy? If someone who didn’t know me read this blog, what on earth would they think of me? They perhaps might say, “Wow, she has a chip on her shoulder” or “Shit, she’s kinda funny” or “Oh no she dinnn’t!” But would they say "Wow, she has a genuine heart and amazing spirit"?? The answer is: Probably not. Don’t get me wrong, I love my blog and I love to randomly vent to the internets about my ear wax secretary and the stupidity of humankind – but I saw a blog yesterday that really made me think.

I was looking at one of my favorite blogs [that even though I am now married, I love to look at her daily inspiration board, you know, for next time around (j/k)] I saw a tribute to a blogger called Stephanie Neilson. She and her husband were recently in a plane crash and they were seriously burned. Support from the blogging community has been amazing and many bloggers have banned together for a blog auction for them and their four small children. Someone even designed some jewelry in her honor, one with a beautiful sparrow. I was sad to hear about such a tragedy, but even more so, curious as to what she could have written on a blog that could have touched so many… and then I went there. She uses pictures to highlight the life of her adorable family. THIS BLOG touched me.

Okay, so you really do need to go look at the pictures, but she had a party for her children who were preparing to go back to school. She made a gourmet dinner for them with their finest china and topped off with a decadent chocolate cake. She had little hand-made banners that said “be prepared” and crafty princess crowns for each of the girls to wear to the party. A small red-haired girl smiles wide in a photo, wearing her crown and a self-beaded necklace. Stephanie writes,

Toasts were made, stories told, goals planned and the girls walked the cat-walk showing off the new school duds in a family fashion show.

If I am blessed with children, this is the kind of mom I want to be. I sat there thinking,
“I’m creative and crafty, but am I THIS creative and THIS crafty?”
“Will I spend that kind of time on something special for my kids with the hustle and bustle of work, marriage, finances…life?”
“When her kids grow up, they will tell people about the parties their mom threw for their back to school.”
“I want my kids to feel that special.”

I even tried to justify, well – she probably doesn’t work and of course! she’s Mormon! [note JCLDS logo to the right of the page.] But then I thought about how a liberal Jew from Ohio was so proud of that Mormon mom from Arizona. To be able to post one blog and have someone across the country know that you are an amazing mom, that’s really something.

So, send your happy thoughts and prayers their way, hopefully her family will be up and playing again soon. And in the meantime, maybe we’ll be less cynical, maybe we’ll take a fresh look at how much life there really is to enjoy and how the people you surround yourself with make you a better person every day. Make it a NieNie Day.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home

So we’ve been talking a lot about kids, mostly since everyone we run into asks us if we are harboring a zygote – and although I am NOT…it does lend itself to some scary conversation.

Scene: Two gorgeously attractive people sit across from one another in a sports bar. Strapping man with wing sauce on his cheeks speaks first; female companion tries not to laugh and looks for a wet wipe.

FI: I thought their kid was cute but her hair pattern was really messed up!
Me: Um, babies lose all of the hair they are born with so it was rubbing off where she sleeps.
FI: What!?
Me: You don’t know anything about kids.
FI: So! I think kids are creepy and weird.
Me: Hey! We’re going to have one…one day.
FI: So then OUR kid will be creepy and weird. And besides they can’t DO anything.
Me: So they can’t pay bills or drive cars… who cares?
FI: They don’t want to clean themselves or brush their teeth…
Me: YOU don’t want to clean yourself or brush your teeth!!
FI: Well I don’t want to brush my teeth…but I like getting clean…

[later that night]
FI: You can't be mad that my butthole clenches up every time we talk about kids.
Me: okay.

its a nipple people get over it

So today I went to the outlet malls with my friend Elizabeth and her baby Zoe. Zoe will be one year on my birthday. It was actually her due date and I was thrilled that she came into this world on my birthday and even more thrilled that she came out with red hair!

I realized two things today:
1) Old women are offended by other people's breasts
2) shopping with a baby brings a whole new meaning to shopping.

Elizabeth is still breastfeeding and Zoe is actually very comforted by it. She was beginning to lose in a store so we went to the food court. We were hoping to find a family bathroom with a chair so she could breast feed in private. No luck. No private place what.so.ever. So we found a table in the corner of the food court and Zoe descretely had a snack. Apparently the elderly lady sitting next to us did not appreciate it. She looked at us in HORROR - like feeding a child from a teet was like whipping your cock out in public. I wanted to scream "I have nipples Focker can you milk me!" - but then again any time someone talks about breast feeding I want to say that. What I really wanted to say was, "get over it you old bag, you probably pee your pants" but in the end I just looked at her and smiled like "yep she's breast feeding her hungry baby and we are in public - deal."

Now on to the bigger problem. Shopping changed today. I have to be in the mood for it, but when I am, I can shop with the best of them. Sale racks, try on rooms, clearance clothing - all can soothe my spirit on a PMS day. Today we found ourselves skimming the racks, and eye the clothing through a whole new lens. We were buying our time in each store waiting patiently for Miss Z to blow up. Trying on stuff was a definite no for Elizabeth unless I was holding or pushing the stroller. "Wow", I thought to myself - "shopping is going to be a pain!" I picture myself as a mother all of the time, but I mostly picture myself exactly the same except for a have a cute baby boy[with curly hair and an inny belly button]. He never cries or shits in my imagination either. I feed him and sing to him and I think about how perfect he is. but I realized today that I really love my child-free life. I love shopping, going out to eat and flitting off with no where to be and nothing to do. I often find myself in Barnes & Noble wishing I could speed read as I scan the chick lit, or thumbing through clothes at Platos Closet wondering who previously owned a white leather rhinestone belt. I never picture a baby at those outings. Am I delusional? Yes, most definitely, yes.

Some days I feel totally ready to be knocked up - today was not one of them. Zoe was an angel and we actually shopped for almost 4 hours without her making a peep. I bought a dress to wear to the Academy of Medicine Dinner at Black House White Market for $20 and we offended an old bag with my friend's nipple. Over all a very productive day. Cheers to credit cards and breast milk!
This is a picture of Miss Z, althought you cannot see her red hair I think this is the cutest thing I have ever seen. She is thinking hard about whether or not she likes snow. Verdict was... yes!