Lazy Snow Day

[hubs opens door to find two small children staring up at him]

Children: Hi! Can we shovel your driveway for $8?
Hubs: No, but you can shovel it for $10.
Children: um...(confused) okay.
Hubs: Just let me know when you're done!
Children: Okay!

(40 minutes later)
Hubs: They're still out there.
Me: Are they okay?
Hubs: They look cold, but they're almost done.
Me: Should we bring them out some hot cocoa?
Hubs: No.
Me: Why?
Hubs: Because you never bring me cocoa when I do it!
Me: True.
Hubs: I hope we don't get arrested for this...
Me: Why?
Hubs: Those kids are barely ten years old...

They actually did a great job! Thank goodness for shovel fairies!!

STOP SAYING "APP" !!! JUST STOP!!!!

Husband: Just so you know, not getting a Palm Pre or an iPhone is the most I've ever technologically neglected myself.

Husband: Why aren't you answering me?

Me: [reaching for the computer]

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I'm writing that on my blog. Because it's just that ridiculous.

Husband: I'm serious though...

Me: I know, which is why I am not responding to it.

For the record, this doesn't make me a bad driver

It hurts my feelings when people say I am a bad driver. My husband says I’m a bad driver. My dad says I am a bad driver too. To them I say, don’t judge me until you have sustained some sort of trauma due to my driving. AND My car is spotless inside, which makes me a good driver.

I am not a bad driver, I just have problems paying attention. Hello? Who wants to “concentrate on driving” – you just sit there and bop your foot a little and spin your hands on the circle. AND how boring is THE ROAD when you can be thinking about Chinese food and vacations and work and money and friends and weekends and cupcakes and dresses and smooching on your husband and all of the things you would say to your boss if the world were free of consequence and puppies and dragons and movies and rainbows and everything else in the world that is funner than THE ROAD...oh and looking at your eye.

About three weeks ago I was leaving my subdivision on my way to work. Same drive – every day. I was slowing my car at a stop sign and decided to look at my eye. I had done some fancy drawing with the eyeliner that morning and wanted to admire my handwork in the rear view. I swear on hot dogs I looked at my eye in the effing mirror for ONE SECOND and then BOOM BOOM POW. There I was two right tires up on the curb sliding into the stop sign. BREAAAAAK. CRAP.

First I backed that car up off the curb and then looked around to see if anyone was questioning my sobriety. Nope, clear.

THEN, I got out and looked at my car.

Hmm. Looks fine to me. I don’t even have to tell hubs about this one. Bonus!

Fast forward another week.

Husband: Your car is pulling like crazy what’s wrong with it?

Me:...well…I ramped it a little last week. But it was fine.

Husband: How do you ramp it...a little?

Me: Ooopsy. My tire looks flat.

Husband: It looks like you shredded the inside of the tire wall –what the hell were you doing?

Me: My car was on the curb… like…a lot.

Husband: How many of your tires were on the curb?

Me: Two. But they were both on the same side.

Husband: You managed to get only the right side of your car up on a curb? How fast were you going?

Me: Not sure, slow. I think.

Saving Grace: ROAD HAZARD TIRE WARRANTY.

Cost me $12 to replace a $150 tire. Well, and $50 + tax for alignment.

Sears Auto employee: What did you do with this car? The alignment was JACKED.

Husband: My wife drives this car.

Sears Auto employee: I take it you want the Road Hazard warranty on the new tire too?

Husband: Yes. Like I said, my WIFE drives this car.

If a chick ramps half her car up on a curb at 9 o'clock in the morning and no one is watching - she's still a good driver.

I'm gonna have to get YouTube down here so they can tape this

Last night as we were sitting on the couch husband says this,

What is that twitter and why is EVERONE talking about it?

I told him it’s kind of like updating your Facebook status. He was totally unamused, seeing as though I pressured him to join FB in the first place and I think he’s updated his status once in his entire life. I told him even the military is using it now, he still didn’t care.

I signed up for twitter, but the buzz just hasn’t hit me. I can hardly think of Facebook updates let alone several twits a day. Like right now...'um, blogging again' Oh. Right. Most of the people in my life don’t know I have a blog. Scratch that. Yea, I got nothing.

Technology and my abhorrence to change don’t mesh well. I don’t want to learn how to work thingies...I just want them to frickin’ work! Like my SLR camera, my ipod (still no clue how to shut the damn thing off) and my digital voice recorder for work. Oh yeah. THAT. Turns out my husband doesn’t work with me, so instead of having him show me how to use it I HAD TO LEARN MYSELF. Total shits.

Last month we did jump on the Skype bandwagon. I have an awesome camera on my computer so it’s super fun to Skype with my husband, although my boobs do most of the Skyping (hehe). He’s usually in the other room on his laptop. We’re nerds like that. Don’t come over.

The other nerdy thing we introduced this week was GOOGLE CALENDAR. We can both upload our Outlook calendars to Google and it syncs them automatically. This way he knows that I have dentist/haircut/shopping next week and he doesn’t have to ask me a bazillion times what is I'm doing. I’ve also ventured into the world of GOOGLE READER per Jennie's glowing endorsement. I loaded some stuff into it but I think I like visiting each website independently, makes for additional time wasting I guess.

My husband is totally crushing on the new PALM PRE. I could care less about shiny touch phones – my current phone has that feature and every time I TOUCH it I hang up on someone. NOT Help-FUL.

Husband: You know Steve? So, he HAS THIS APP where he scans his Kroger plus card into his iphone and when he gets to the store he just scans his phone and doesn’t have to carry the card…. Isn’t that COOL?

Me: His $400 phone saved him from carrying a free card the size of a paperclip on his key chain?

Husband: Yea, isn’t that cool?

Me:[don't bother answering it will do you no good]

Holy mother of mayflower if my husband says “apps” one more time, I might be forced to impale him IN THE FACE with his is “outdated” phone.

Now tell me, is there an “APP” for THAT?

Press 1 or say "yes" for, dead

8:45am

[ring!]

Me: Hello?

Husband: Hi! Is everything okay?

Me: Um...yeah… I’m making breakfast [and you KNOW I HATE when people call me in the morning!]

Husband: So did you sleep enough last night?

Me: Yeah I guess [having trouble sleeping lately]

Husband: Guess what we did last night?

Me: [I was good for me too, but we don't need to talk about it] I have no clue.

Husband: We left the garage door open AND the inside door UN-locked.

Me: Shhhhhh-IT!

Husband: Yeah, I saw your purse and my laptop were still there so I figured it was okay. Then I searched the entire house just in case someone was waiting to kill you. I even looked under the guest bed and in every nook and cranny in the basement. AND I decided not to wake you up to tell you all this.

Me: Good idea [since I would have gone to work at 6am in my Pj’s to flee the killers!] So is that why you are calling me? To make sure I’m not dead?

Husband: yeah… kinda.

Me: And what if I was all dead and couldn’t pick up the phone?

Husband: Um, I’m not sure… I didn’t think about that.

I made out with your cheek because I can

I have been in a funk lately and yesterday when husband asked, “So has anything been good lately?” I couldn’t think of a single thing. I can ALWAYS think of things – but yesterday nothing came to mind. I was going to write a post about how hard I’m hating on job/skin/life/lemonbars right now – but is that what you really want to read about?

No

With misery, comes company

and that's not the type company you or I want to keep

You want to read about how much even though my husband has been fighting cold/flu symptoms for over a week now and has kept his slobbery lips at a distant so not to infect me – I still *adore* him and have snuggled into his cheek like a middle school crush.

I bet you’d want to know about how amazing my mom is for spending six weeks in Florida taking care of my grandparents. She gets up every 6 hours to give birthday grandpa his pain medicine and even though he sasses her about not being able to scoot sans walker – he needs her. We missed Mother's Day together but I sent her a ginormous box of goodies which she called to gush over in the most I'm-not-completely-exhausted voice she could find. I am so proud of her and I miss her.

You may like to know that, much to my delight, my good friends Heidi and Jennie! moved down the street last week. You can’t imagine just how long a 15 minute drive can be until you have a Victoria Secret free panty coupon burning a hole in your pocket and no one to shop it out with. Problem. Solved.

You will definitely want to celebrate a birthday with Three Nichols because their adorable little son turned ONE on Wednesday. I can’t believe a year ago husband and I sat in the hospital room with them through the labor induction process only to have Miss Kelly push effortlessly three times and fall madly in love with her strong little boy. I wish so much that they lived closer so I could revel in his milestones with her.

I'm sure you're as excited as I am that Jim and Pam are preggers!


And lastly, something you all know, it's Friday. And no matter how many batches of lemon bars I screwed up – the week is almost gone with nothing left to do but love on my husband. Tonight is date night and I just might talk him into splitting an order of fish and chips and an ice cold Hoegaarden on a patio just before sunset.

So that’s what’s good lately

It just took me a day to remember

Jesus might be coming to my early birthday party

I am busy at work again, this is happening a lot lately and is really cramping my style. AND by the time I get home from work, cycling, yoga, grocery store, making dinner, showering - the idea of sitting down on my computer-battle-station to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with the Internets just doesn't strike my fancy. The couch does though. That, and making out in the guest room with my husband while we change the sheets (woot woot!).

Anyway, here are my RANDOM thoughts for this week:

I hate the smell of my vitamin B supplement and Subway restaurants. Both make me gag.

Any stress relief that a 5pm Yoga class may provide does not carry over to 10:27am the following morning.

I left my credit card at Tim Horton's this morning when I drove through for a breakfast bagel because I woke up too late to fix eggs.

I have been without a debit card for 3+ weeks now and I am very annoyed by this.

I am going to be a designated driver tonight so my husband can get bombed off his ass. I can't wait.

Tomorrow we are volunteering at a Special Olympics skate meet. Volunteering is good but I mostly just want to see my husband on roller skates.

The daffodils in my front yard came up this week, plus one confused hyacinth.

I ordered Proactive because my face is a nightmare and because Mermanda told me to.

Good News and Bad News

The bad news is: we are not going to rural Kentucky OR Hustler of Hollywood for Easter this year.

The good news is: I am getting my *birthday present* early - pretty much the same day Jesus is supposedly coming to town. He's invited to my party as long as he doesn't steal my (early) birthday thunder.

This morning:

Me: Ugh! I had a dream about a lady who gave birth to a cat-baby last night.

Husband: How did she do that?

Me: She had sex with a cat. In my dream this was totally acceptable, I actually wanted a cat-baby too. It looked like Harleigh, except small and white and super fluffy.

Husband: You should be happy today, you get your birthday present in nine days.

Me: Why nine days?

Husband: Well that's when we're celebrating with your family and since your brother went in on it, I think he might want to be there when you get it. Is that okay if you get it early?

Me: Then on my real birthday you will get me another present?

Husband: No, but I will give you a card.

Me: Okay.

I think my husband is giving me a cat-baby in NINE DAYS!!!

I'm back, to let you know, I can really shake 'em down!

Santa Fe was awesome, except for the part where I got sick on the second day with a fever/head cold/sore throat CRUD that probably hitched a ride on my laptop bag and waited until after my presentation to strike me dead. And by dead, I mean really cranky. I have some cool pictures to show you (but NOT the ones my mom took of me DURING my presentation, WITH THE FLASH ON), but for today I wanted to say welcome back to myself and leave you with this conversation that I had with my husband on the way to the airport last week. Because more than anything, I really missed my husband.

Him: I really like that new Kristy Yamaguchi song.
Me: What?
Him: You know, the ice skater. I like that song about her on the radio.
Me: I have no idea what you are talking about.
Him: Yeah, you know, it goes "Kri-sty Yam-ah-guchi...O-KAAAY!"
Me: [laughing] Babe, I don't think that's what the song says.
Him: Yep. I'm sure of it.

[in the car]
Him: Here! THIS IS THE SONG! [turns radio up]
Him: [singing] Kri-sty Yam-ah-guchi...O-KAAAY!
Me: No. It says, Kri-sty are you do-ing okay.
Him: No it doesn't. It says Yamaguchi.
Me: What you're singing makes no sense, why would the song say that?
Him: I don't know, wait... LISTEN!
[turns up the radio during the chorus]
Him: Okay, that wasn't the right verse, just wait. It will say it.
Me: ....
Him: I swear the time I listened to it, it said Kristy Yamaguchi...

Him singing his version so cute, I almost like it better. Offspring doesn't have shit on my husband!

put down the phone, PETA doesn't care

Scene: Lazy Sunday afternoon, two gorgeously attractive married people lounge on the bed with the sunlight streaming in. They watch their adorable kitty basking in the sun, wishing it was springtime and the windows could be opened.

Me: Isn't that the cutest cat you've ever seen?
Him: I wish I had a gift from my ex that I gushed over all the time.
Me: You do, that stuffed rabbit you wouldn't let me throw away.
Him: That's because throwing away stuffed animals is just mean.
Me: What? Are you serious?
Him: Yes, it totally creeps me out. They should never be thrown away, it's just too mean.
Me: What about burned - could you burn them?
Him: [gasp!] No! That's like the slasher version of the Velveteen Rabbit. Seriously, hurting stuffed animals is totally screwed up.
Me: [laughing] Wow, I never knew this about you. How long have you had this thing for stuffed animals?
Him: For as long as I can remember. I came home from college and cut holes in the trash bags that my animals were stored in...so they could breath.
Me: Well, if you give that bunny to our kid one day, we're saying it was from when you were little.
Him: No, we can donate it. Because when you donate things you never know if anything bad happens. Stuffed animals should never be put in the trash. Can you imagine Mr. Bunny all dirty in a trash dump somewhere? Oh, God! The thought just makes me so sad.

[Later]

Him: Which would you rather eat, a dog or a cat?
Me: Neither.
Him: Which one if you HAD to eat one?
Me: I would not eat dogs OR cats.
Him: So you would die?
Me: I guess so.
Him: What about people? Would you eat people?
Me: No.
Him: So you would die?
Me: I guess...
Him: So you eat cows and pigs, and anything from the ocean it seems... including snails... but you stop at dogs and people?
Me: So would you eat dogs and cats and people?
Him: Yes. The people would be hard. I'd have to be REALLY hungry.

The moral of the story:
According to my husband, cannibalism is acceptable - but throwing away a dingy stuffed rabbit is inhumane. Go figure.

put 'em in the oven for hubby and ME!

We gave in. He gave in. He went to the grocery alone and came back with fake 'n bake cookies. Then we went together (because I forgot something) and had this exchange in the baking aisle:

Scene: Gorgeously attractive married couple arrive in the baking aisle at local grocery. Wife has on jeans and husband is dressed in flannel pajama bottoms because the wife blogged about him wrinkling his work pants a few days ago.

[husband s-l-o-w-l-y walks past dark chocolate brownie mix]

Husband: *grunts pleasingly* [places brownie mix in his basket]

Someone Else's husband: Now, that's how real men shop. See something you like, pick it up.

Husband: Actually, I was going to go ask my wife if I can have this...

We left the aisle just as 'someone else's husband' began talking on his cell phone:

Someone else's husband: No, hunny, they don't have THAT kind. YES! I'm IN THE RIGHT AISLE!!

hehe. I laughed at both husbands. A lot.

And then we came home and he baked these from scratch. And even though there is nothing natural about swirly, pink-colored chocolate chips, I ate two of them. Oh yes, I did.

If you give a mouse a cookie

Last night was a lazy night at our house. Husband worked late and I had stats class (eww!). We heated up some turkey chili that I had in the freezer and drenched it in cheddar cheese as we watched an episode of House. We also had this conversation:

Scene: Two gorgeously attractive married people sit down for some week night TV courtesy of DVR. Doting wife is dressed in comfy pj’s and husband prefers to wrinkle his work pants by lounging in them.

Husband: [snatching up the blanket] Brrr! I’m cold.
Me: Me too.
Husband: I’m cold and I’m hungry for dessert.
Me: Well, there are some snack sized Snickers bars next to the bananas.
Husband: Those are reserved for my lunches. I would like a cookie.
Me: We don’t have any cookies, babe.
Husband: I would like a cookie… please.
Me: I don’t have any cookies to give you or anything to make cookies with.
Husband: Well then, I would like you to go back in time and get me one.
Me: Even if I went back in time, there are no cookies there to be gotten.
Husband: You can make them, back in time.
Me: Even back in time, I didn’t have the time to make you cookies. Have some ice cream.
Husband: I already told you I was cold.
Me: Well, I think there are some Oreos in the cabinet.
Husband: I think those are really old and stale.
Me: I think so too but if you want a cookie that bad, you can eat them.
Husband: Rats.
[he always says “rats” in a cute pouty voice]

[just before bed]
Husband: What are you eating?
Me: I’m drinking chocolate soy milk.
Husband: I’m still waiting for my cookie.

If you’re wondering, we don’t keep cookies in our house because he eats them all in one sitting. I know, I'm a terrible wife.

Some husbands ask for foot rubs... mine asks for time travel.

My Favorite Things - Edition #6

This might just be my third favorite thing in the whole world if you count my husband and my cat... MY BIRTHDAY!

My birthday is the best day of the entire year
(except for last year when my wedding trumped it)

My husband always makes a big huge deal out of my birthday which I totally love (I know, I've told you this a bazzillion times before. )

BUT! On Wednesday a package arrived at our house. Husband was NOT happy that it arrived when I was home. I think it is my birthday package.

Him: I am so pissed that box came today, you weren't supposed to be home.
Me: I know. I should probably open it up.
Him: You had better not! You have to pinkie swear not to open it.
Me: I simply cannot agree to that.
Him: Your birthday isn't for like 100 days!
Me: I HATE January.. because my birthday isn't for like 100 days!
Him: February?
Me: Hate it.
Him: May?
Me: I hate that month too because by then my birthday is OVER.

Him: If you don't pinkie swear I will make you watch live TV.

(after watching live TV for five minutes)

Me: FINE. I pinkie swear.

...and so I sealed my fate when I pinkie swore away any chance of me finding that box, looking inside at my fabulous present and then finding some brown tape to wrap it back up.

Instead I told husband that I am going to ask him 3 questions about my present every day for the next 100 days (actually its 92 days). (He's not happy about this either)

So far I know that:
You can't eat it
You might be able to wear it
You might be able to play with it

Thank you. Captain. Ambiguous.

I was hoping it was a Rolex or a trip to Vegas. I shook the box and it's probably not that, but I'll keep you posted (for the next 92 days).

Kissing more is NOT a problem for me

My class was pretty lame last night and should be manageable except for that the instructor (who looks nothing like a statistician and everything like a man in the trenches of a mid life crisis who’s trying entirely too hard to look cool) wants us to use this software program I frikin' hate to analyze our data. When husband and I were in grad school we “used” the same program, I say “used” because I mostly “used” his answers to complete the assignments – pretty much everyone did. That’s.how.much.it.sucks. So this resolution is going to be a toughie! Wish me luck people.

Speaking of my husband, last night after he told me a tale from the diaries of his surgical rotation about a guy who had a giant needle-containing probe shoved up his well-dilated sphincter, he told me he wants to kiss more (kiss ME more, in case you were confused by the mental picture). THEN he told me about how during the procedure all of the surgeons told him never to have kids because your life is ruined never the same. Great.

To you, Mr. Butthole-needle surgeons, I say, “SHUT. UP.”

Glamour’s MARRIED JAKE wrote an article about how he secretly loves being married to his wife, Orange Blossom and THEY are having a baby. Mathew McConaughy even had one !

This proves that men can come around. And, according to second grade ideology, when it comes to girls, boys and bees, kissing more is the first base step. I think he’s coming around. Don’t you?

Reese and Jake smooching court side!

Bubble Bath Kisses from Le Love (get me a claw foot tub!)