You don't have to be Christian for Santa to hate you

This weekend, Sunday in particular, made me want to jump rope with my fallopian tubes. It marked the first day of Hebrew School. My 2nd/3rd grade nose pickers are now in the 3rd/4th grade. I just happened to move up with them, so they have the same teacher – different name [although none of them said my new last name without first fumbling around with the old one!] One of the kids was particularly terrible this week. The kind of terrible where you have flashes of yourself knocking them unconscious and never being caught.

Junior's mom sent him to class with a bag of chocolate cookies, and juice box and apparently forgot throw in his ADHD medicine and some duck tape. Not five minutes into class he ran his mouth uncontrollably while the teacher [me] was talking, he then managed to piss off the incredibly nice art teacher in five seconds flat, he had his chair taken away, he splayed his body under a table on top of other kids’ feet and then, when I went to help him off the floor, he dropped his weight and about threw my back out [what appeared to be a 40lb child was actually a 75lb child with lead rocks in his shoes!] After dragging him into the hall for a “discussion” – he escaped and ran into a closet to hide for 2 hours. This child made my third job seem like capital punishment. After a few deep breaths and some Motrin – I went to the store bought some condoms, spermicidal jam and took a chastity oath. Kind of like the one that the Jonas Brother took only I am NOT going to have dirty-make-out with Taylor Swift. Moral of the story: in most cases, kids are forever. Forever will NOT begin today.

see... its scary!

Okay so I uploaded my artwork from Sunday here are two of the ten plagues.




Strange Child: “Hm that frog is actually quite good, but I believe your beasts look entirely too friendly.”

The enemy of all of us here in Oz

Yesterday I briefly mentioned my experience with a strange 8 year-old child in my Weekend Top 10. I wanted to elaborate on the little freak show in case any of you were wondering [I know you were all wondering!]

So I teach Hebrew to little nose pickers on Sundays at the temple [the nose picking BTW was in full swing this week and I amused myself by watching where each child placed the slimy boogers they retrieved…chair, corner of dress, oh and mouth…of course!] Anyway, I had a “visitor” child this week. I’m really not even sure why she was in my class but the Rabbi brought her into the classroom and said “this is [child's name], she will be joining your class today” My three girl students just stared at her until I made them introduce themselves. We were making tiny flashcards of the ten plagues [can YOU name them? Vermin, Cattle Disease, Boils, Frogs, Death of the first born son, Hail, Blood, Locusts, Wild Beasts and Darkness] I asked her if she would like to draw some and she said in her 8, er uh, 30 year-old voice, “No, I prefer to watch. Thank You.” My kids looked at me like “WTF?” I just said, “great we’re almost done, so you can watch”. As she watched me draw a frog she says,

Strange Child: “Hm that frog is actually quite good, but I believe your beasts look entirely too friendly.”
Me: “I think it looks mean, its supposed to be the hyena from Lion King.”
Strange Child: [blank stare]

So after she refused to play the Hebrew game and got way to excited over a Capri Sun we were on our way to services. She refused to pick up a prayer card and sat quietly as we waited to begin. Then she says,

Strange Child: excuse me but part of your leg is touching my seat
Me: Oh I’m Sorry
Me to myself: [WTF!? Why am I apologizing to an 8 year-old]

During the Rabbis Torah story he talked about Passover. There are four questions that are asked by children during Passover. The girl looks at me and says,

Strange Child: I like the second child the best
Me: Oh really? Why?
Strange Child: Because, the second child is wicked.

I swear on hot dogs that I saw her eyes light up red! What the hell was wrong with that kid!? I was so creeped out by her. The art teacher came into my room after the kids had left.

Nice Art Teacher: Did you get a strange vibe from that child?
Me: yeah she creeped me out the entire afternoon
Nice Art Techer: she was only in my room for five minutes and she made me uncomfortable

How do you tell a parent their child is the creepiest pink pants freak you’ve ever met and then swear you saw her eyes light up red? Don’t know, so I told her mom it was my pleasure and we enjoyed having her. In retrospect this was probably a good plan, now Chucky's Daughter wont kill me with a licorice rope and a water balloon.

[this post made me want to listen to the WICKED soundtrack. I *heart* that play]

they touched me

I got sick. It started out with a sore throat and manifested in my nasal cavity. I took a four hour nap today and could still go back to sleep. Being sick makes me super cranky and what makes me even more cranky is that FI NEVER gets sick. I know you are thinking, "what a heartless bitch, she actually wants her significant other to get sick". Well the answer is, yes I do. Don't vows say something like in sickness and in health. Doesn't that kind of assume he'll get sick? How can he NEVER be sick? I mean WTF. He had a headache a few months ago that wouldn't go away, I felt kinda bad because I know headaches suck. I don't wish a headache on him, actually I wish he would just puke his frickin guts out or be a gooey echoing snarfblat. Just a few times a year, is that too much to ask?

So today when I went in to teach my second graders and all 8 of them were sniffling and snotting all over the place. I mean using the desk as a tissue and their tiny fingers as booger tweezers. Light.Goes.Off. You little shits touched me last week and now I am sick! How gross is it to get sick from a kid that's not even yours? Today I washed my hands three times and told them not to breath their death germs on me. Kids are walking petri dishes - we need a PSA alerting america to steer clear of them.