I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home

So we’ve been talking a lot about kids, mostly since everyone we run into asks us if we are harboring a zygote – and although I am NOT…it does lend itself to some scary conversation.

Scene: Two gorgeously attractive people sit across from one another in a sports bar. Strapping man with wing sauce on his cheeks speaks first; female companion tries not to laugh and looks for a wet wipe.

FI: I thought their kid was cute but her hair pattern was really messed up!
Me: Um, babies lose all of the hair they are born with so it was rubbing off where she sleeps.
FI: What!?
Me: You don’t know anything about kids.
FI: So! I think kids are creepy and weird.
Me: Hey! We’re going to have one…one day.
FI: So then OUR kid will be creepy and weird. And besides they can’t DO anything.
Me: So they can’t pay bills or drive cars… who cares?
FI: They don’t want to clean themselves or brush their teeth…
Me: YOU don’t want to clean yourself or brush your teeth!!
FI: Well I don’t want to brush my teeth…but I like getting clean…

[later that night]
FI: You can't be mad that my butthole clenches up every time we talk about kids.
Me: okay.