You don't have to be Christian for Santa to hate you

This weekend, Sunday in particular, made me want to jump rope with my fallopian tubes. It marked the first day of Hebrew School. My 2nd/3rd grade nose pickers are now in the 3rd/4th grade. I just happened to move up with them, so they have the same teacher – different name [although none of them said my new last name without first fumbling around with the old one!] One of the kids was particularly terrible this week. The kind of terrible where you have flashes of yourself knocking them unconscious and never being caught.

Junior's mom sent him to class with a bag of chocolate cookies, and juice box and apparently forgot throw in his ADHD medicine and some duck tape. Not five minutes into class he ran his mouth uncontrollably while the teacher [me] was talking, he then managed to piss off the incredibly nice art teacher in five seconds flat, he had his chair taken away, he splayed his body under a table on top of other kids’ feet and then, when I went to help him off the floor, he dropped his weight and about threw my back out [what appeared to be a 40lb child was actually a 75lb child with lead rocks in his shoes!] After dragging him into the hall for a “discussion” – he escaped and ran into a closet to hide for 2 hours. This child made my third job seem like capital punishment. After a few deep breaths and some Motrin – I went to the store bought some condoms, spermicidal jam and took a chastity oath. Kind of like the one that the Jonas Brother took only I am NOT going to have dirty-make-out with Taylor Swift. Moral of the story: in most cases, kids are forever. Forever will NOT begin today.