Things I'm contemplating

What my ideal job would be

Reading Sarah Palin's book

Uploading my Christmas CD's to iTunes and blasting them on shuffle mode while I dance my pregnant ass around the house

Rigging a contest so that I can win something

Dressing my cat up as a hot dog for our holiday card

Making a big batch of puppy chow and eating more of it than my husband


Now tell me, what are you thinking about?

Wish lists

Do you ever make wish lists? I *LOVE* lists and a list of things I covet seems like a perfect match. I currently have a hand-written list that includes: chocolate (black) colored pearls (fake totally acceptable) like THESE via CJANE, Kat Von D eye shadow and more time with my husband.

Did you know you can make a wish list on Amazon? Every time I see something that I like or MIGHT like at some point in time, I use my shopping finger to click on "add to wish list" it's kind of like electronic lay-a-way only you don't actually buy anything.

CHESS in Concert DVD via AMAZON

Did you know Etsy has a wish least feature? Actually, it says "add item to your favorites" - but close enough! These are my current faves!

via Sew Jewcy

via Lilyja

via Joyful Star

Now if I could only find a way to drop these hints to my friends and family....

Sandy, chickens and all that Jazz

I've been telling you about our list serve at work, right? Well this Monday morning Sandy has more entertaining news from down on the farm!

"I have an American Bulldog for sale. Jazz is a good dog. She is house broken, kennel trained, no problem with children. Jazz is a little over a year. We do not have papers on her - but she is 100% American Bulldog.

The only problem we have with Jazz is she likes FRESH CHICKEN and she chases our other livestock - so therefore we must find a home for her.

Jazz has been fixed. I am asking the $165 it cost to get her fixed or replacement of the 8 chickens she ate."

and if you're wondering... YES. She's completely serious.

Read more about Sandy

HERE

HERE

and HERE

Five things.

meme courtesy of Mermanda via Brandy. Because I'm lazy.

I can
Bike 20 miles without breaking a sweat
Do my job and do it well
Find awesome deals
Talk for hours
Sing

I won’t
Watch John & Kate plus 8
Apologize for my strong will
Eat cheese on my salad
Get another tattoo
Cut my hair

I will
Find curtains with yellow print for the guest room
Go to Mexico and not think about work
Work on my career goals
Clean out my car
Read more

I should
Keep my mouth shut when I’m mad
Love on my cat more
Exercise EVERY day
Study for the GRE
Be thankful

I shouldn’t
Go out for ice cream so much
Contemplate stealing babies
Stalk people on Facebook
Produce so much garbage
Hate on republicans

Breakfast break

From Sandy:

I have a special today - 1 dz fresh eggs and 1 lb fresh pork sausage for $5. The sausage is from pig we butchered last month. We do not feed our livestock any antibiotics or hormones

With emails like this, it's no wonder people skip breakfast.

(I guess someone processed that hog after all...)

My milkshakes bring all the boys to my yard

Remember how I told you about Sandy from the list serve and the demise of every animal in her yard? She struck again last week with this lovely mental image, "A buyer backed out on me and I have an extra pig/hog. The way I do hogs is you pay up front for the cost of the hog plus the cost of feed. You are responsible for paying the butcher." Yay, thanks. I'll sit at my desk with a kosher ham sandwich and chew on the idea of a Charlotte's Web remake for a bit.

But wait, yesterday something EVEN BETTER came down the pipe...

WOMEN EMPOWERMENT FITNESS CLASS
Sign ups are now available for the upcoming Woman Empowerment Fatale Fitness class. Ladies, are looking for a new way to work out? Come check out the hottest new craze in women's fitness: poll fitness! University Activities Board and Campus Rec bring you the instructors of poll fitness and yoga from Fatale Fitness for a special one time 2 hour session on March 30th. There are only 20 spots available, so tell a friend a sign up today!

Um. WHERE.TO.START. Definitely not the notion that an official announcement could be laden with THIS many errors. Perhaps poll/pole was intentional? Like if you spell that one word differently people won't think you are training young college students to be strippers under the auspice of "women's empowerment"? Why wasn't I given this training opportunity in college? I couldn't quite make out the small print but I'm pretty sure it said "brief coke snorting tutorial and free eye drops to the first three registrants - panties optional"

WEB-LOG CONFESSION... I actually considered going.

After all, it is a real studio and was endorsed by our local paper complete with tutorial video footage (that pervert from Thailand is going be all over this one!) so why not take up a hobby? I knew my bedroom was missing something. Fung Sha-way this baby- let's put the cat box right next to my greasy stripper pole.

I mean the possibilities are endless - tone the upper body, build cardiovascular endurance AND FEEL EMPOWERED. If "poll" dancing is the newest craze and it really does burn calories while building self image - who's to judge? (Carmen Electra was never a very credible source)

Over the past 24 hours since receiving this email, I've actually pictured myself upside down on a metal rod wearing a mint floss bikini and four inch stilettos. I even threw in a belly button ring and a star tattoo on my wrist for good measure. So if the session wasn't IN MARCH? so expensive and REALLY far from my house - I would sign up. Physical talent should not be underestimated, and I actually think stair climbers and treadmills preclude women from expressing their femininity. And in a few months when I'm all 'Cirque du Soleil' on you people don't say you didn't hear it here first.

Let's take a POLE!

..and on his farm he had a BEEF, E-I, E-I, O-H!

So I work at a University and although I try to make it sound totally fun, cool and hip, there are some things that are just appalling about it.

1. College students use the same bathroom that I do. Ew!
2. I have cafeteria food at my disposal everyday.
3. People with PhD's are not smarter than that general population.
4. Some people here get "spring break", I am not one of them.

Also, there is a "list serve" that you can subscribe to. This list is supposed to be used to "announce" helpful things and yet it seems to be a place for political banter, garage sales, doctor referrals and general (documented) time wasting. Also, just because this is a University, you cannot assume everyone who participates in this list is educated, polite, politically correct or has even a shred of common sense.

UN-Official Rules of the list serve:
#1 Don't sell things - I don't care how many dog sweaters you've knitted.
#2 Don't talk politics - someone is bound to disagree with you.
#3 Don't make sarcastic or funny remarks - someone will take it the wrong way.
#4 Don't give advice - no one cares.
#5 Don't forward things - people will check it on snopes and make you look like a dumbass.
#6 Use correct spelling/grammar/punctuation - they will slaughter you otherwise.
#7 Don't post anything - it's just better this way.

Case in point, last week someone sent out this to the list serve:

I have a beef that is going to the butcher. It is homegrown. Fed corn and hay. No hormones or additives.

Would anybody be interested in buying
half of it. The cost would be $2.00 per pound hanging weight. This includes the cost of processing. You will get around 250 lbs of meet. In addition you can have it processed anyway you would like.

Sandy

This email raises the following issues:
Hanging weight? Ew!
You grew the "beef" ?
Punctuation!? Spelling?!
Who the crap needs 250 POUNDS of MEET?
Why not just say C-O-W???
What styles of processing are available Sandy?

BETTER YET. Two days later she posted another email:

for sale goat

I can have the goat processed

Sandy

To which I replied:
If anyone would like to split this goat with me, I would like the back end, processed schezwan style.

To which my coworker replied:
what is she doing? walking around her yard shooting anything that moves?????

To which another coworker replied:
what about the "processed" comment? You could add the goat to your colony - free milk for the cats and no grass mowing!

I think this conversation effectivly violated every single one of those rules, and I laughed my ass off for a good hour. Poor goat!

There's nothing panties and a fish sandwich can't fix

It’s March. March is a fun month because of St. Patrick’s Day and green and smooching red-heads who claim they are Irish and it’s the month before my birthday and because this year, in March, I'm going to Santa Fe. So why have I been cranky in March? I’ve had plenty of sleep, plenty of time with my husband…I can’t figure it out. Perhaps it’s because Rhianna was stupid enough to go back to Chris Brown after he beat her silly. Perhaps it’s because the jerk mamma’s at blockbuster only carry one copy of Changling in Blu-Ray and won’t hold it for me. Perhaps because it is still a trillion degrees below zero outside and I am jonesing for sunny.

Here are my sunny ideas for March:

The new McDonald’s commercial for lent. The tiny wheels in my brain spin with delight when I see sheer marketing genius. Singing wall fish with a catchy tune and obese man eating your friend – I salute you.



OPI pink iridescent nail polish, you will adorn my seven long nails and three broken ones. You will make them sparkly and strong and not chip within three days of application under penalty of death.

Windsor Pilates, I miss you. I need to get my lazy b-hole out of bed 20 minutes earlier each morning in order to stretch and elongate my muscles. My previously toned arms have gone limp and yearn for your instruction, you complete me.

Schwan’s man, in your boxy yellow truck, please visit my house and drop off some delicious chicken cordon bleu for those March nights when I am lazy and don’t want to cook. I can almost smell the warm swiss cheese seeping from the ham-stuffed middle. Also, please include a half gallon of your delectable raspberry swirl fro-yo. Because it is just the kind of smooth creamy treat that this girl needs to satisfy her after-dinner sweet tooth.

Victoria’s secret free pantie coupons – your ‘no purchase necessary’ clause allows me to throw away old period panties every month and replace them with black/white/whisper pink/ivory/buff low-rise cotton briefs valued up to $9.50 without spending a single dime. The two coupons I have are burning a hole in my wallet and I cannot wait to dig through cotton undergarment goodness to find my free treasures. Please keep sending them. My pantie drawer thanks you.

And finally, when someone else makes a list (for the love of lists) of March lovelies and shows me a pair of crimson wedges that just happen to be on sale for 40% off at Nordstrom’s, delivered to your door free of charge in two days (call a store if you can't find your size!) I need them. I needed them for March. I figured they could sit in my closet with my yellow jacket and wait patiently for spring.

Dear crimson wedges. Please come soon. Bring spring.

My Favorite Things - Edition #6

I like to plan. I am a compulsive planner. In order to plan things you need to have a list (or many lists depending on what you are planning). I like making lists. Grocery lists, 'to do' lists, want lists, don't want lists, lists of places I want to go and things I want to do. Like a list of books I want to read or a list of possible baby names that I may or may not have started when I was 18 years old. Lists of songs I want to download and lists of New Year's Resolutions. I make lists on paper and lists in my head. Sometimes the lists in my head get so long I have to write them down on paper because my mind isn't that long. My most masterful list of all time actually scared Jennie! one day. My lists make my husband anxious but they make me docile like a little lamb. Except for that one list, that list made me crazy but I am also crazy sometimes so that's why I like planning and lists. I also prefer to hand write my lists.

One of my most favoritist lists in the universe of universes to make is a PRO/CON list. When I first started dating my husband he said, "Are you seriously writing a pro/con list?" Um. Yes. Yes I am and this is what my decision will be based on. ... and six years later... what do you think we do when we have a big decision to make? We WRITE A PRO/CON list.

You know what else I really really like? Crossing things off lists. WHAT.SATISFACTION.

I decided that since I already did this exercise for Facebook, why waste a good list... so here you go. 100 things about...another one of my favorite things... ME!

100 THINGS

1. I haven’t ingested caffeine in over three years.

2. Jelly donuts with white vanilla icing make me weak.

3. I can be super cranky and always try to apologize in advance.

4. Dave Thomas was my surrogate father in 1992 (RIP).

5. I actually write letters to my congressmen.

6. My youngest brother is more laid back and adventurous than my pinkie finger.

7. I was a vegetarian from 3rd grade to high school except for when I went to Damon’s and ate ribs.

8. I love when the people closest to me call me ‘Tam’; I hate when ANYONE calls me ‘Tammy’.

9. I am a little OCD about the cleanliness of our house.

10. My wedding day was the most amazing day of my entire life.

11. I love chocolate soy milk, soy yogurt and soy face wash.

12. I have a temper and when I indulge it, bad things happen.

13. I auditioned for my first play when I was 8.

14. I want to take a photography class.

15. I really like things that taste/smell like peppermint, but I hate peppermints.

16. I have developed stage fright over the last three years.

17. I think about my husband all day long.

18. I hate cheese on my salad and will always send it back.

19. I love Elizabethan history and all things Tudor England.

20. I have had eggs for breakfast every single day for five years.

21. My Dad is the hardest working person I know.

22. I can remember sitting in first grade during a power outage and a boy touched my fingers. His name was Jarrod and he picked his nose.

23. I have nightmares a lot and they are mostly about my family getting killed or ex boyfriends.

24. I teach cycling and Hebrew.

25. I hate change.

26. I think McDonald's is the devil but I love to eat there.

27. I wish my calves were toned.

28. I love the long fluttery black eyelashes on jersey cows.

29. I have never read Harry Potter or watched Lord of the Rings.

30. I wish there was more public transportation in the Midwest.

31. I have permanent marks from biting the insides of my cheeks.

32. I love to tell people my opinions about things and get mad when they don’t take my advice.

33. The diamond in my engagement ring belonged to my husband’s mother. It has a tiny black speck in it and every time I look at it I wonder what it would have been like to meet her.

34. I got my first pair of contacts last month.

35. I have a hard time keeping girl friends.

36. In college I lived on tuna, grilled cheese, Ramen and Spaghetti O’s.

37. I used to hate my freckles, now I wish I had more.

38. I can only use Arm & Hammer toothpaste because I’m allergic and now my husband has to use it too.

39. I was a cheerleader in high school and loved every minute of it.

40. I keep the inside of my car spotless.

41. I always shave my right leg first.

42. When I am sick I like to complain and drink lots of NyQuil(R).

43. I was raised Lutheran and converted to Judaism on my mother’s birthday.

44. I wish everyday that my best friend Scott lived next door.

45. I’ve never had braces and my teeth are perfectly straight.

46. I am friendlier than my husband and when people meet us they mostly make eye contact with me.

47. I’ve never lived outside Ohio.

48. I stopped biting my nails one month before I got engaged.

49. I tailgate and break entirely too late when pulling up to a stop light.

50. I used to like to hug acquaintances and now it kind of creeps me out.

51. I am pro-choice and pro-gay and would never vote for a judge who isn’t.

52. I hope creativity and thoughtfulness are genetic.

53. I’ve had my tonsils, wisdom teeth and gallbladder removed.

54. I am really good at forging people's signatures, except for my husband's because it's impossible.

55. My husband says I have a small nose but I swear it is medium sized.

56. I don’t like to play sports of any kind.

57. I love when my husband snuggles me.

58. I had a Tweety Bird tattoo removed from my foot/ankle and you can still see the outline.

59. I learned how to apply eye liner a year ago and now I wear it every day.

60. I am convinced someone will attack me one day.

61. I love my dentist office.

62. I am afraid of drowning or getting hit by a train.

63. Going to Vegas with my husband is more fun than I could ever explain.

64. My favorite book as a kid was The Napping House by Audrey Wood.

65. I am so happy I voted for Obama.

66. I have had the same plant sitting next to me while I work for the last five years.

67. If I could have one superpower it would be to speed read.

68. I look like my mom when she was my age.

69. I take naps. A.lot.

70. In high school I smoked Marlboro Lights. In college I smoked Benson & Hedges Deluxe Ultra light menthols. I quit smoking in grad school when I met my husband. I have a degree in public health and wish I could smoke sometimes.

71. I have reactive hypoglycemia and I hate that I can’t ever just have pizza and beer.

72. I wish my face wasn’t so round.

73. I am just learning to cook and bake. I make really good iced sugar cookies.

74. I am a creature of habit in every single way possible.

75. Giving blood makes me sick and dizzy.

76. The first gift I ever got from a boy was in third grade. It was an upside-down porcelain bear hugging a heart. I saved it on the top shelf of my dresser until I went to college and my mom threw it away.

77. I long to feel like I am part of a community.

78. Once I’ve decided that I don’t like you, I will probably never like you.

79. I majored in pre-veterinary medicine. I’ve rectally palpated a cow and castrated a pig.

80. When I grow up, I want to have a box full of jewelry that my daughter asks to try on.

81. I have a habit that I am very embarrassed of and cannot quit (not telling you).

82. I worked at Outback Steakhouse in college and love to eat there.

83. I want to have something I write published one day.

84. I have saved every single card my husband has ever written to me.

85. Sticking my finger in my belly button makes me feel nauseous.

86. I think Taye Diggs is so incredibly hot and I will watch anything with him in it. I lived on the same hall with his sister in college.

87. I kiss my cat on the face every day.

88. I love Little Debbie Christmas Tree cakes because the sprinkles crunch in your mouth.

89. I got in trouble in the sixth grade for cheating on a science quiz. I honestly had no idea what the answers were.

90. I changed a lot when I went to college. For the better.

91. My mom says god punishes bad people and I believe her.

92. I have a scar on my right hand between my thumb and pointer finger from where I stabbed a letter opener through my hand trying to poke a hole in a baby food jar for a ladybug to breath. My mom told me not to do it in the first place so I tried to hide the blood while I stashed the bug jar.

93. People say I look like Topanga from Boy Meets World or the girl from Six Feet Under.

94. I like Coach purses but could never justify buying one.

95. In college I played Elizabeth I in the World Premier Revival of the Richard Rogers and Sheldon Harnick musical “REX.” I met Sheldon Harnick and he said I was “delightful.”

96. I ask my husband’s advice about almost everything.

97. I’ve been on three cruises and I love them.

98. I like to drink red wine out of large balloon-shaped glasses.

99. I can’t keep a secret (but I’m getting better at it).

100. I really like to make lists :)