There's nothing panties and a fish sandwich can't fix

It’s March. March is a fun month because of St. Patrick’s Day and green and smooching red-heads who claim they are Irish and it’s the month before my birthday and because this year, in March, I'm going to Santa Fe. So why have I been cranky in March? I’ve had plenty of sleep, plenty of time with my husband…I can’t figure it out. Perhaps it’s because Rhianna was stupid enough to go back to Chris Brown after he beat her silly. Perhaps it’s because the jerk mamma’s at blockbuster only carry one copy of Changling in Blu-Ray and won’t hold it for me. Perhaps because it is still a trillion degrees below zero outside and I am jonesing for sunny.

Here are my sunny ideas for March:

The new McDonald’s commercial for lent. The tiny wheels in my brain spin with delight when I see sheer marketing genius. Singing wall fish with a catchy tune and obese man eating your friend – I salute you.



OPI pink iridescent nail polish, you will adorn my seven long nails and three broken ones. You will make them sparkly and strong and not chip within three days of application under penalty of death.

Windsor Pilates, I miss you. I need to get my lazy b-hole out of bed 20 minutes earlier each morning in order to stretch and elongate my muscles. My previously toned arms have gone limp and yearn for your instruction, you complete me.

Schwan’s man, in your boxy yellow truck, please visit my house and drop off some delicious chicken cordon bleu for those March nights when I am lazy and don’t want to cook. I can almost smell the warm swiss cheese seeping from the ham-stuffed middle. Also, please include a half gallon of your delectable raspberry swirl fro-yo. Because it is just the kind of smooth creamy treat that this girl needs to satisfy her after-dinner sweet tooth.

Victoria’s secret free pantie coupons – your ‘no purchase necessary’ clause allows me to throw away old period panties every month and replace them with black/white/whisper pink/ivory/buff low-rise cotton briefs valued up to $9.50 without spending a single dime. The two coupons I have are burning a hole in my wallet and I cannot wait to dig through cotton undergarment goodness to find my free treasures. Please keep sending them. My pantie drawer thanks you.

And finally, when someone else makes a list (for the love of lists) of March lovelies and shows me a pair of crimson wedges that just happen to be on sale for 40% off at Nordstrom’s, delivered to your door free of charge in two days (call a store if you can't find your size!) I need them. I needed them for March. I figured they could sit in my closet with my yellow jacket and wait patiently for spring.

Dear crimson wedges. Please come soon. Bring spring.