My milkshakes bring all the boys to my yard

Remember how I told you about Sandy from the list serve and the demise of every animal in her yard? She struck again last week with this lovely mental image, "A buyer backed out on me and I have an extra pig/hog. The way I do hogs is you pay up front for the cost of the hog plus the cost of feed. You are responsible for paying the butcher." Yay, thanks. I'll sit at my desk with a kosher ham sandwich and chew on the idea of a Charlotte's Web remake for a bit.

But wait, yesterday something EVEN BETTER came down the pipe...

WOMEN EMPOWERMENT FITNESS CLASS
Sign ups are now available for the upcoming Woman Empowerment Fatale Fitness class. Ladies, are looking for a new way to work out? Come check out the hottest new craze in women's fitness: poll fitness! University Activities Board and Campus Rec bring you the instructors of poll fitness and yoga from Fatale Fitness for a special one time 2 hour session on March 30th. There are only 20 spots available, so tell a friend a sign up today!

Um. WHERE.TO.START. Definitely not the notion that an official announcement could be laden with THIS many errors. Perhaps poll/pole was intentional? Like if you spell that one word differently people won't think you are training young college students to be strippers under the auspice of "women's empowerment"? Why wasn't I given this training opportunity in college? I couldn't quite make out the small print but I'm pretty sure it said "brief coke snorting tutorial and free eye drops to the first three registrants - panties optional"

WEB-LOG CONFESSION... I actually considered going.

After all, it is a real studio and was endorsed by our local paper complete with tutorial video footage (that pervert from Thailand is going be all over this one!) so why not take up a hobby? I knew my bedroom was missing something. Fung Sha-way this baby- let's put the cat box right next to my greasy stripper pole.

I mean the possibilities are endless - tone the upper body, build cardiovascular endurance AND FEEL EMPOWERED. If "poll" dancing is the newest craze and it really does burn calories while building self image - who's to judge? (Carmen Electra was never a very credible source)

Over the past 24 hours since receiving this email, I've actually pictured myself upside down on a metal rod wearing a mint floss bikini and four inch stilettos. I even threw in a belly button ring and a star tattoo on my wrist for good measure. So if the session wasn't IN MARCH? so expensive and REALLY far from my house - I would sign up. Physical talent should not be underestimated, and I actually think stair climbers and treadmills preclude women from expressing their femininity. And in a few months when I'm all 'Cirque du Soleil' on you people don't say you didn't hear it here first.

Let's take a POLE!