Wednesday, April 8, 2009

..and on his farm he had a BEEF, E-I, E-I, O-H!

So I work at a University and although I try to make it sound totally fun, cool and hip, there are some things that are just appalling about it.

1. College students use the same bathroom that I do. Ew!
2. I have cafeteria food at my disposal everyday.
3. People with PhD's are not smarter than that general population.
4. Some people here get "spring break", I am not one of them.

Also, there is a "list serve" that you can subscribe to. This list is supposed to be used to "announce" helpful things and yet it seems to be a place for political banter, garage sales, doctor referrals and general (documented) time wasting. Also, just because this is a University, you cannot assume everyone who participates in this list is educated, polite, politically correct or has even a shred of common sense.

UN-Official Rules of the list serve:
#1 Don't sell things - I don't care how many dog sweaters you've knitted.
#2 Don't talk politics - someone is bound to disagree with you.
#3 Don't make sarcastic or funny remarks - someone will take it the wrong way.
#4 Don't give advice - no one cares.
#5 Don't forward things - people will check it on snopes and make you look like a dumbass.
#6 Use correct spelling/grammar/punctuation - they will slaughter you otherwise.
#7 Don't post anything - it's just better this way.

Case in point, last week someone sent out this to the list serve:
I have a beef that is going to the butcher. It is homegrown. Fed corn and hay. No hormones or additives.

Would anybody be interested in buying
half of it. The cost would be $2.00 per pound hanging weight. This includes the cost of processing. You will get around 250 lbs of meet. In addition you can have it processed anyway you would like.

This email raises the following issues:
Hanging weight? Ew!
You grew the "beef" ?
Punctuation!? Spelling?!
Who the crap needs 250 POUNDS of MEET?
Why not just say C-O-W???
What styles of processing are available Sandy?

BETTER YET. Two days later she posted another email:

for sale goat

I can have the goat processed


To which I replied:
If anyone would like to split this goat with me, I would like the back end, processed schezwan style.

To which my coworker replied:
what is she doing? walking around her yard shooting anything that moves?????

To which another coworker replied:
what about the "processed" comment? You could add the goat to your colony - free milk for the cats and no grass mowing!

I think this conversation effectivly violated every single one of those rules, and I laughed my ass off for a good hour. Poor goat!


Mermanda said...

250 pounds of meat? ick.

Tam said...

no, actually it said of "MEET" either way, ew!

ohioana said...

Okay, buying a half a beef (that's the normal term for it) seems fine to me. My parents had a deep freezer when I was growing up, and they bought half a side of beef all the time. It's cheaper and better quality than what you get at the grocery. By the way, you do realize that the meat you buy at the grocery used to be part of a real live cow too, right?

In other words, you just sounded like a silly little yuppie who doesn't understand where food comes from to me!

Tam said...

ohioana - you should be on our list serve. This is exactly the kind of reply that I'd expect. Welcome!

(also, you sound like a republican.)

Heidi said...

I just died laughing at the image in my head of Sandy shooting random animals in her yard.

w007jmw said...

thanks for allowing me to relive our beef/meet/goat funness. i'm still giggling.