My lips like sugar, this candy got your sprung.

Sorry about my absence I’ve come down with a bit of THE CRUD. It’s especially juicy in the nose department and chopping my head off at the neck (sore throat included) has actually started to sound like a good option.

Do you know why I am sick? BECAUSE OF GERMS! I torment myself thinking about WHERE/WHEN this little germ entered my body and began reeking havoc on my system. I’m pretty sure I picked it up on a plane (EW! recycled air!) or on the Boston Subway this weekend. Did I mention I rode public transportation and then licked chicken wing sauce off my fingers WITHOUT WASHING MY HANDS FIRST!? I swear on hot dogs I did this, and now I am paying for it.

But I need to stop sniffing and snarting long enough to tell you this story. Husband and I were in a mall in Boston this weekend and I saw a line of candy machines. CANDY MACHINES! Like the kind you put 25 cents in and then put your hand under to catch the pile of candy. AN ENTIRE ROW OF THEM!! As I fiddled through my purse for quarters this guy comes along and asks us to step aside. TOTALLY NORMAL LOOKING GUY. Older, brown hair, tall and lanky – probably in his 40’s. We step aside as he puts on a VERY serious face and starts searching the rows of candy machines. Hubs and I stand there for a second wondering if he lost something, when the guy starts digging behind the machines.

THEN, VERY RAPIDLY, HE STARTS PULLING OUT STRAY, FALLEN PIECES OF CANDY AND SHOVES THEM IN HIS MOUTH!!

He is frantically searching every machine looking for dropped candy to eat, finding it and WITHOUT EVEN WIPING THE DUST OFF - HE SHOVES IT IN HIS MOUTH!!

At first I just stand there looking shocked, wondering where the HELL this guy came from. He was apparently threatened by us and thought we might get in on his secret. Then after watching what he was actually doing I started laughing LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY and had to turn away. Like the kind of laughing where you think you might be able to contain yourself and then you start crying and losing it. Yeah. That kind of laughing.

So after he does he sweep of the machines – HE VANISHES!

I gather my quarters and tell husband to put out his hand to catch my candy – his hands are way bigger than mine. I chose chewy sprees AND Reeses Pieces (not PEE-CEES!!)

Me: Hey! You dropped some of my candies! (on the floor no less)

Husband: Yeah, I know, those are for him.

As we walk away trying to eat the candies before my husband’s hand became a rainbow of fruit flavors and melted peanut butter, he looks at me and says, “Please tell me you will blog about that.”

So my friends, I believe this creepy, candy stalking man was brought into my life to prove to me that licking chicken wings off my public transportation fingers wasn’t the MOST unsanitary thing to happen all weekend.

Well that and to give me something to blog about.

My lips like sugar, this candy got you sprung

Heard you wanted to know what my favorite candy is...


And if you call it a PEE-CEE... my husband WILL murder you.

True story.

I want SUMMMMORE!

Lately, during the same week of every month, my brain tells my body to BAKE

My thighs says "No"

But my brain says, "cookies"

My (fem)gut says, "stop"

But my brain says, "cupcakes"

My arm jiggle says, "please don't"

But my brain says, "lemon bars"

My chin(s) say, "ruh-row"

because today, well, today my brain said...

MAGICAL S'MORES

and my body listened.


The yin of crispy sweet coconut, to the yang of melty toasty marshmallow


and then my brain said this


Twice.

April showers bring snow, ants, diarrhea and misery - there's a slogan for ya!

This week brought the stomach flu

I had to surrender a beautiful filet and ice cream sundae to my husband (see previous statement)

It snowed

AND.

BETTER.

YET.

We accidentally stood up OUR RABBI and his ENTIRE family for Seder last night.

Wow, standing up the Rabbi – now that’s the highlight of my week.

Don’t worry, we marked it on the calendar for NEXT year that Jewish holidays start THE EVENING BEFORE THE ACTUAL HOLIDAY. Oh wait, excuse me, my palm is beeping… “Seder at the Rabbi’s House Tonight”… thanks for that reminder. [throw cell phone]

Also:

The blind guy was booted off American Idol

I have cramps

I've had nothing but soy yogurt, Gatorade and magic soup for three days and haven't lost a single pound.

My loser ex boyfriend from 1994 friended me on Facebook (*newsflash* he's still a loser; but I'm hot, married and successful so I friended him anyway)

There were ants all over our kitchen counter this morning

My family is coming on Sunday to celebrate my birthday. I wanted to make reservations for dinner… but forgot…it’s Easter and places are closed. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Frick!

Dear week,

I hate you. Please go away and let me forget you ever existed.

Thank you,
Tam


The *bright* side:

My Proactive came in the mail yesterday

Economic times have forced Nicholas Cage to sell his castle. Thankfully, he has another one (hint: I've always wanted a castle)

My Caffeine test strips came in the mail yesterday

My husband was awarded a scholarship

Kal Penn was killed off House to work for OBAMA. The good news is: he's no longer permitted to make Harold and Kumar movies.

All of my fingernails are long and painted pink

Easter candy goes on sale on Monday

My husband is adorable when he cuddles my cat AND he drove 20 minutes out of his way last night to get me a Truffle Blizzard(R) that I saw on TV - only to bring it home and have me take three bites and let the rest melt. (seriously, murdering me would have been quicker and cheaper)

I'm getting my birthday present in THREE DAYS

We all squweem for I-quweem

I am a horrible person.

I went to Meijer over my lunch hour b/c my husband said they have 24-pack soda 2 for $10 (which they didn’t!) and there were three little girls eating huge ice cream cones in the ethnic foods aisle (finding matzo suitable for Passover is impossible here.) THEN, there was this little curly haired blonde girl about two years old riding in a cart while saying “Mommy, all doze gwirlz has i-quweem, they have i-quweem!” and THEN I watched her mom push her over to the ice cream counter and let her pick from the delicious flavors in the case. THEN, after I had made my way calorie-free out the door, all I could think about was how much I wanted an i-quweem too – so THEN, my car drove me next door to Sonic and ordered me a small soft serve cone.

So on my lunch hour I had a hamburger from Wendy's, did NOT find soda on sale, and was peer pressured by a horde of preschoolers into consuming entirely too much sugar on a sunny spring day.

I think I am okay with this and if not, I'll blame my husband for sending me to Meijer.