Wednesday, September 16, 2009

My lips like sugar, this candy got your sprung.

Sorry about my absence I’ve come down with a bit of THE CRUD. It’s especially juicy in the nose department and chopping my head off at the neck (sore throat included) has actually started to sound like a good option.

Do you know why I am sick? BECAUSE OF GERMS! I torment myself thinking about WHERE/WHEN this little germ entered my body and began reeking havoc on my system. I’m pretty sure I picked it up on a plane (EW! recycled air!) or on the Boston Subway this weekend. Did I mention I rode public transportation and then licked chicken wing sauce off my fingers WITHOUT WASHING MY HANDS FIRST!? I swear on hot dogs I did this, and now I am paying for it.

But I need to stop sniffing and snarting long enough to tell you this story. Husband and I were in a mall in Boston this weekend and I saw a line of candy machines. CANDY MACHINES! Like the kind you put 25 cents in and then put your hand under to catch the pile of candy. AN ENTIRE ROW OF THEM!! As I fiddled through my purse for quarters this guy comes along and asks us to step aside. TOTALLY NORMAL LOOKING GUY. Older, brown hair, tall and lanky – probably in his 40’s. We step aside as he puts on a VERY serious face and starts searching the rows of candy machines. Hubs and I stand there for a second wondering if he lost something, when the guy starts digging behind the machines.


He is frantically searching every machine looking for dropped candy to eat, finding it and WITHOUT EVEN WIPING THE DUST OFF - HE SHOVES IT IN HIS MOUTH!!

At first I just stand there looking shocked, wondering where the HELL this guy came from. He was apparently threatened by us and thought we might get in on his secret. Then after watching what he was actually doing I started laughing LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY and had to turn away. Like the kind of laughing where you think you might be able to contain yourself and then you start crying and losing it. Yeah. That kind of laughing.

So after he does he sweep of the machines – HE VANISHES!

I gather my quarters and tell husband to put out his hand to catch my candy – his hands are way bigger than mine. I chose chewy sprees AND Reeses Pieces (not PEE-CEES!!)

Me: Hey! You dropped some of my candies! (on the floor no less)

Husband: Yeah, I know, those are for him.

As we walk away trying to eat the candies before my husband’s hand became a rainbow of fruit flavors and melted peanut butter, he looks at me and says, “Please tell me you will blog about that.”

So my friends, I believe this creepy, candy stalking man was brought into my life to prove to me that licking chicken wings off my public transportation fingers wasn’t the MOST unsanitary thing to happen all weekend.

Well that and to give me something to blog about.


ohioana said...

I bet the candy guy never gets sick. His immune system has to be rock solid!

Heidi said...

I was really hoping that story would turn out to be Matt Damon at the candy machines.

Jennie said...

This might be the grossest/weirdest thing I've ever heard.