Friday, April 4, 2008

SUPERSTAR is a spin-off about a quirky, socially inept girl

Tonight we are going to temple for Shabbat. We always go to temple on the first Friday of the month. There is a fun laid back family service with a pot luck afterwards. You pay $3, bring a side dish and a bottle of wine, and get all of the fried chicken you can eat. It also happens to be the BEST fried chicken in the world – Chicken Louie’s. For serious people, if you not at risk for myocardial infarction – I highly suggest you try this chicken. We only eat it at temple for two reasons. First, FI has a genetic risk for heart disease so we try to watch it on the deep fried meats and second, we don’t want a cap in our ass. Case in point – if you google this fine restaurant you will find two things:

Restaurant Reviews: “LOUIE'S IS THE BEST CHICKEN IN DAYTON, HATE THAT NOW I'M IN TEXAS!!!!!!!I WISH THEY COULD SHIP IT TO ME” [BTW, Sir, there are lots of reasons to hate Texas and if this is the only one you can think of, then you belong there. P.S. Turn your CAPS LOCK off please. A chicken review is not an emergency and you’re scaring the internets.]

NEWS ARTICLES: Gunman Sought in Chicken Louie’s Shooting

So we go for the chicken and the guitar. What we don’t go for are the mean people. While most everyone at temple is wonderful, there are a few people that we are at war with because they are buttholes. Sheer, unadulterated loathing I tell you. Actually there has never been a verbal sparring, we dont talk at all, but I have pulled a Mary Katherine Gallager on their ass.

Grandma Gallagher: Mary Katherine, what are you doing?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I'm using my telekineses to kill the girl who poured pig's blood on me at the prom.

FI: Mary Katherine, er,uh, Tam, what are you doing?
Me: I'm using my telekineses to kill the girl who gave me the stink eye at temple.

Father Ritley: Mary Katherine, what was that horrible thing you said to Sister Eileen?
Mary Katherine Gallagher: I told her to move her big white butt or I would cold cock her honky ass.

Rabbi: Mary Katherine, er uh, Tam, what was that horrible thing you said to [girls name]?
Me: I told her if she ever said another word about my FI and how she thinks he’s not Jewish, I will make her asshole wish that a menorah only had ONE light... EIGHT times over!]

I thought of this around Hanukkah of course. I say these things out loud in the car on my way to temple. That way, when I get there, I can behave myself.

I'm looking into anger management. Shabbat Shalom!

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