All you need is some really old corning wear and a post digger!

I thought of a funny story, although I cannot take credit for it. It happened when we were at our after wedding reception thingy in rural Kentucky. Actually quite few funny things happened there. We arrived at the outside picnic and there was a lot of hustle and bustle...

Lady: Oh don’t worry, we just killed the snake.
DH: A snake? [looking over at me as I try to get back into the car]
Lady: Yeah a big ‘ol Copper Head. Don’t worry, they’re only a little poisonous!
DH: Um, yeah, the most deadly poison ever.
Lady: Well don’t you worry, we killed it.
DH: With what?
Lady: Well I like to use a hoe(sp?) but today we used a post digger. Head went one way, tail went the other!
DH: You just killed a Copper Head with a post digger?
Lady: Yep!

(later)

Lady: Oh and don’t you mind those pink panties hanging over there on that fence.
DH: What?
Lady: Yeah, over there on that white fence, pink panties, THONG ones actually, from Victoria’s Secret.
DH: …
Lady: Well, I told you my sisters’ dogs are a mess. One of them dogs decided to eat those pink panties and wouldn’t ya know, the next day, they came back out – IN ONE PIECE! Yeah, my sister, she just pulled ‘em the rest of the way out and hung ‘em on that there fence. It’s kinda gross if you think about it, just letting some nasty old panties with shit all over them sit on her fence. But whatever. Can you see them?
DH: Um, yes, I think I can see them from here.


Did I mention that a 90 year-old lady gave us a corning wear dish with four inches of dust on it? The 10-year warranty on the box said it expired in 1998. We also received a used Christmas plate, an ugly bird house, two salad bowls and some doilies with fruit embroidered on them. I can see some re-gifting in our future!

Happy Easter from Hustler of Hollywood

So we had a nice Easter weekend. I know you say, Jews don’t celebrate Easter. Well FI’s stepmother is a Methodist minister (his life is genealogical nightmare – nuff said) so we always attend Easter services in rural Kentucky. I like singing the hymns. The lyrics could be “Huckabee is awesome and so is poverty” and I would still probably sing them. The bottom line is just because you sing something doesn’t mean you believe it. I mean 'Ring Around the Rosy' is about getting high on opium – and we let KIDS sing it! So I can sing all about how Jesus Christ is risen today – Ha-a-a-a-le–loo–oo-yah. We usually have to sit in the front row because we are the pastor’s family but this time we were late and got to sit in the back of the balcony- which also means we got to screw around. At one point I played this brain sucker game on FI – we’ve played this joke for the last five years and not once has he ever remembered the punch line.

Me: [moving hand around on FI’s head] This is a brain sucker
FI: [starting to giggle]
Me: Do you know what it’s doing?
FI: [laughing more and mumbles] um… eating or something?
Me: NO! Oh my god, seriously??! We have played this a million times!
FI: [laughing uncontrollably during the confirmation readings]
FI: [laughing more, tears coming out of his face and giggling audibly]
Me: It’s STARVING! That’s always the punch line!!

By this time we are both laughing hysterical. You know the type of laughing that gets worse as you realize you shouldn’t be laughing. Then you stop to catch your breath only to begin laughing again. His dad is looking at us like we are crazy, but didn’t tell us to stop laughing so we continued. Finally FI caught his breath.

FI: What is the punch line again? It’s hungry?
Me: NO!!

Anyway – then we always go to someone’s house to eat. Last year we sat down at the table to jello [with bits of something inside] nestled on a bed of lettuce and a big white dollop on top. As I reach my fork for the white pile FI grabs my leg and says “don’t eat that” um why not I say – he says, “because its full fat mayo and those are carrot bits inside!” WTF? OMG how sick is that!! Vegetable jello on lettuce with mayo! I googled it when I got home and it’s called perfection salad. Perfectly nauseating in my opinion. Anyway, so this year was better there was a nice spread with ham and casseroles. I was reminded that I hate Tabouli salad and FI dug in to what he thought was chicken and dumplings – only to find out it was shrimp and grits. Moral of the story – don’t eat food in rural Kentucky.

We had a lovely drive back to Ohio that Easter afternoon. We ate the shit out of some ribs on a stop at Montgomery Inn in Cincinnati - bibs and all! We had a whirlwind tour of the new IKEA, arriving 45 minutes before closing and barely scratched the Swedish surface. And last but not least, we stopped into the Hustler Hollywood store before making our way back to Dayton. Doesn’t everyone go to Hustler on Easter?