Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The best wedding gifts come from Uncle Sam

Today is tax day AND two days until the day we celebrate the blessed day of my birth. Every year I think of all the things I would say to someone who tried to get out of getting me a gift by offering up a tax-related excuse.

Perhaps, “I wanted to get you a really great gift, but we just got killed on our taxes this year…” - Anonymous

or this, “Uncle Sam really stuck it to me backwards this week, sorry it’s only a card.” - Unknown

And, although this has never actually happened – the possibility is so offensive that I must prepare myself – like a bomb shelter or a drop down oxygen mask. I will save myself the public humiliation with sharp-tongued poise and relentless badgering until the present comes to fruition. Pull out your 401K, make a false insurance claim, sell your kid for all I care- I just want a wrapped affirmation of my birth!

Please don’t assume I’m selfish or narcissistic or (god forbid) fishing for presents – OF COURSE I AM – this is a frickin’ online journal that I write about myself and YOU read it! Blogs, by definition, require narcissism. A blog with any other pretense would simply be a pink diary with a hello kitty lock that your brother breaks into every other day to see if he can find the word TAMPON!

But enough about me. Today is tax day so we should celebrate. Because I got a kick ASK return. Don’t be jealous because I make like no money and my husband doesn’t have a job and we pay like five zillion dollars a week for his doctor school. So what if the government feels bad for us and gave us back everything we paid in hopes that we could throw away our holey underwears and perhaps stop cutting open the toothpaste to scrape the crusty remains from inside the plastic tube. Maybe if everyone used old egg shells as exfoliator (screw you Bath & Body Works!) we wouldn’t BE in this recession?!

Anyway, we asked that our taxes be returned to us in one dollar bills and we piled them up in the middle of our living room and jumped in them for hours squealing, "We're RICH!" (FOR NO RAISIN!) Then, after buying three packs of orange pez and a nose hair trimmer, we paid off our wedding. It’s almost like that amazing day was free because the nice government gave us the money to celebrate our love. I bet the revenue peoples read my blog and know how awesome my husband is. Maybe, if you get an amazing husband (with no job and huge amounts of debt) the governments will give you money too! Did I mention our wedding is PAID OFF!? What a (tax) relief.

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