Friday, February 6, 2009

I'll take rows A-F, you get the rest.

I lieu of your regularly scheduled “My Favorite Things” Friday I have opted for The Collective phone it in Friday. What five people would you most like to punch IN THE FACE? Because punching people in the face just happens to be one of my favorite things to do (just ask my husband.) (Kidding about that last statement.) (Threats don't count.) (Until you act on them.) (Then they count.)

1. People who are crying because their salary is now capped...AT HALF A MILLION DOLLARS! I actually almost punched my car radio in the face while listening to THIS. [excerpt]

If you limit people’s [greedy bank executives] pay to $500,000 - I think you will have people looking for alternative places for employment….in many cases those companies will welcome you with open arms. You’re going to have a lot of these people saying, ‘Where’s my bank book because I need to make a withdrawal out of my savings account in order to continue to live.’ And I realize that in today’s, in today’s world, there‘s not a lot of sympathy for people that are in that situation with the number people that have lost their jobs and taken pay cuts or pay freezes. But, the reality is, these people have built a lifestyle based on expecting that they were going to earn significantly more and this is a real drag on how they’re going to meet the obligations that they and their family have set forth."

BOO FRICKINHOO PUNCH! PUNCH!

2. People who don’t pay their taxes and then publicly embarrass our new president after not doing so. Nuff said. Pay your your taxes. It's the law. I was audited for $700 and somehow you slid under the radar with $200,000 in back tax? How does that happen! How?! I'M WEARING THIS RED, WHITE & BLUE HAT JUST TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE, SLAM! (because I'm festive like that).

3. People who can eat anything they want and not get fat. Furthermore, people who qualify said eating with phrases like “I just have a fast metabolism I guess” and "I don't go to the gym because I don't like being sweaty. " IN YOUR PIE-HOLE PUNCH!

4. The representatives at the Sprint Delta call center

[ring! ring!]
Representative: *heavy accent* He-low may-ee name is “Bob” hohw cahn I helup y(oo)?

[First off THERE IS NO WAY YOUR NAME IS BOB!]

Me: Hi Bob, [or whatever you real name is] I would like to book a flight from Dayton, Ohio.
Representative: Oh-Kehy, one teek-it from Day-tohna Beeech.
Me: Dayton.
Representative:Day-tohna Beeech.
Me: NO, DAY-TON. DAYTON OHIO!! IN THE MIDDLE OF AMERICA!
Representative: Yes, Day-tohna Beeech. Where are you headed to?

I hate you! Goodbye. DOUBLE THROUGH THE PHONE PUNCH!
*I swear I am not racist, I just really wanted to book a flight.

5. It's a tie between Sarah Palin and K-Fed for so many reasons my brain hurts counting them. I know I cheated by naming two here, but I'm hoping MTV will bring back celebrity death match and then I can kill two turds with one stone watching the brawl. In the meantime, WHAAAPOW! Slammed.

I also want to send an HONORARY SHOUT OUT ["Hah -Lah!"] to *Andrew* for wanting to punch in the face the entire orchestra section at the upcoming Ray Lamontagne concert in Pittsburgh. As told through an email to his fiance. [warning: you just might piss your pants]

Happy Weekend and Shabbat Shalom!

(I have a hot date tonight - it involves a movie and rice krispy treats! God I love being married.)

6 comments:

ohioana said...

#3 is all teens or closet bullimics...So they are already suffering.

Tam said...

I won't punch the ones with legitimate disorders - but I know some people our age that say that crap. I WILL punch them.

kat said...

because i just got back from the gym and i am extra super duper sweaty, i think i'll be joining you in #3 punching. (also all the rest. i hate people.)

peefer said...

My pie-hole hurts.

Mermanda said...

LOL. I read "pie-hole" as "pee-hole" and for some reason the latter sounds far more painful. Consider that for your future threats.

Thanks for the shout out. I'll pass along the "Hah-Lah!" to my mandrew.

narfna said...

You (and Kat) want to punch me? Don't hurt me! I'm fragile!