Friday, August 15, 2008

this is fun, let's do it some more!

I keep trying to think of times in my life when I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed most recently, at my bridal shower when my mom made a crude reference to my labia ["lips" as she likes to call them] Why, you ask? Why on earth was your mother talking to your friends about your vaginal anatomy... AT YOUR BRIDAL SHOWER? The answer is...I don't know. She also told them I would most likely "look like a slut" in my wedding make-up. I also don't know why she kept saying "Fuck a duck" during the tea party. I love my Mom, sometimes more than others.

Speaking of my mom, [I 100% totally love my mom BTW] the first Valentine's Day that DH and I were together, my family attended my brother's wrestling match [romantic, I know]. Afterwards, we all went to a sports bar and my entire family got sloshed. I was sober and had to stay to drive them home. Prior to this outing, I must have made the [HUGE] mistake of eluding to the fact that DH was "well endowed" in front of my mother [Hands off ladies!]. Just as a side note, when my mom gets drunk she slurs this phrase repeatedly, "THAT's what IIII'm talkin' about" Well, my mom must have had two fruity drinks with trace amounts of alcohol, rendering her drunk as a skunk. She proceeded to ask DH [at the time VERY new boyfriend] to unveil his goods. Yes folks, she asked him [begged him loudly actually] to "see what all the fuss was about" because "she heard it was huge" Meanwhile repeating her choice drunken phrase over and over again. The level of my own embarrassment cannot overshadow that of HIS EMBARRASSMENT. Not to mention, at one point him looking over at me like, "What the hell, should I just show it to her and be done?" OMG NO. The fact that he is now my husband made that last choice, indeed the correct one.

I do remember one of the times when my first born naivete caused me complete embarrassment.

Scene: Cute little red-haired girl [who has not yet sprouted a single breast bud] sits in her 8th grade health class during "sexual education day"- eagerly awaiting a question she actually knows the answer to.

Teacher: Can anyone tell me what oral sex is?
Me: [hand whipping furiously in the air] I know! I know!
Teacher: Yes, Miss Hansen.
Me: It's phone sex!
[class laughing widly]
Boy three rows back: No idiot, haven't you ever heard of 69!
Me: ....

I think I cried after class that day. I also cursed my parents for my first born status and envied all of the other kids who had older brothers and sisters who told them all about the dirty stuff in life. And as a matter a fact I had to go home and ask my poor mother what 69 was. In my defense, 69 is a very specific kind of oral sex AND AND telephone sex IS a form of "oral" sex. Neither of which happened to be what the teacher was looking for. He should have yelled "BJ" and although I still wouldn't have known what that was, it would have been closer to the correct answer.

This also reminds me of the time when I was riding the bus home in fourth grade with my new bob haircut.

Mean portly girl in the back of the bus: Dike! Dike! You look like a Dike!
Me: Whatever, I do not look like a canal or waterway!
Mean portly girl in the back of the bus: HAHAHAHA! DUMB DIKE!

(later)
Me: Mom, I've been reflecting on something that happened on the bus today.
Mom: Sure sweetie, tell me what it is. Was that Melissa girl picking on you again?
Me: Well, I'm not sure. She just keep calling me a canal or waterway...
Mom: What? Is that what she said?
Me: Yes, she said Dike! Dike! I looked it up.
Mom: Oh..well..um. hmm... What a mean girl. Do you want me to call the school again?
Me: No, she tripped me at the bust stop last time you called. Don't worry about it.

1 comment:

Jennie! said...

In all fairness, your mom was saying you'd look like a whore, not a slut. Very subtle difference.