Hats off to hallucinogens!

I got an invitation for my bridal shower this week. All my favorite people are throwing it for me and its going to be fun. It is a tea party and everyone was asked to wear dresses and hats. You know like at… the Kentucky derby! This event makes my heart sink because I cannot deal with horse racing. Hypocrisy you cry out! You went to Vegas twice last year and got raging drunk with FI at the penny poker machines and could barely walk home. Calm yourselves internets, it’s not the gambling that bunches my panties, I’m totally fine with that, it’s the animal activist in me that hates derby. I actually hate all things derby – Kentucky Derby, roller derby [long painful lesbian story] and I would probably hate people named Derby. Are there people named Derby? I hope not. Anyway, the good news is – maybe those big ridiculous hats [that people wear to cheer on horses being whipped by midget-like men who weigh less than my right thigh] might be on sale.

I look terrible in hats; I actually don’t even own one. I have an ear-warmer for winter instead of a hat. I very much heart my pink ear warmer; it was a gift from FI. There are so many instances when wearing a hat looks fun though. Like… when playing college football, or in a kick line, or in a construction zone. There are large hats like on Cinco De Mayo [one of my favorite holidays – I corona!] and small hats like at temple. There are baby hats and winter hats and even… jimmy hats! I think Uncle Sam even sleeps in his hat because I have never seen a picture of him without it. Maybe he is one of those guys who is self-conscious about balding so he claims he loves hats. Whatever - you don't love hats - you just hate being bald. I remember in fifth grade they announced a policy of no hats in school. Apparently, there was fear of the crypts and the bloods infiltrating my white suburban middle school so all gang paraphernalia, including hats, was banned. While this was a HUGE deal to many of my fellow middle-schoolers, I was barely fazed by the announcement and just wanted to bring my skip-it out to recess. I also remember there was a girl who was going through chemo and she was given an exception to the rule and WAS allowed to wear her hat. I remember the boys were pissed and like, "Wah Wah, No Fair, Wah Wah, how's come she gets to wear a hat and WE don't!?" Hello? Do you want cancer? Because I bet she'd trade you her hat for some actual HAIR! Idiots. Fifth graders are cruel cruel bastards. Anyway, I do however enjoy the cliche about proverbially wearing many hats. But FI thinks that's just because I love cliches [more than hot dogs I tell you].

So now I am at the end of my rant about hats and all I remember is that I hope I can find a cheap one to wear to my bridal shower – and I kinda hope it's pink. I also hope we drink tea and eat small food. Everyone in Alice in Wonderland wore hats and ate small food at the tea parties. I think they were also mad and took hallucinogens. I hope no one is mad. The End.