self-cleaning means clean it your damn self!

It is so nice when the weather changes from winter to spring. It seems as though this is the longest winter in the history of the world! Never have I yearned for the sweet smell of spring more than this very year. I am sick of wearing a jacket, I am sick of layering my clothes and I am sick of paying my heating bill. So because this weekend was so spring-esqe I did some spring cleaning. Actually I also do fall, winter and summer cleaning too, but, because it was nice outside I decided to open the house and attempt to use my “self cleaning” oven. You see, this winter several frozen pizzas and a terrible attempt at marshmallow muffins has left our oven looking like a messed up version of Super Sloppy Double Dare [Mark, I’ll take a “physical challenge” – now that’s a game show they should bring back. Too bad Mark Summers is now hosting a stupid show on the food nework] Every time we turn on the oven we walk around the house saying to each other:

FI: is something burning?
[we both look around the house]
Me: no, shit, its just that crap in the bottom of the oven again. Can you open a window?

So around January we saw on the stove it said, “self clean” – so we pushed the button. Twenty minutes later we were scrambling around opening windows because it smelled like our house was burning down. Excuse me for having NO FRICKIN IDEA how self cleaning ovens work. Apparently, the oven door locks [so kids can't crawl inside] and it heats the oven up as hot as it can get for FOUR hours and burns off the sloppyness inside. Well this also makes your house smell like a canine incinerator [for serious I worked in a vets office for FOUR years people]. So, being winter time, we turned it off immediately and I vowed that as soon as it was nice outside I would “clean” the oven. So yesterday was the day, and although ALL of the windows in the house were open – the smell was still so rank that I locked myself in my bedroom for FOUR hours. I read US weekly, watched some Willy Wonka [the original], pet my cat, and fell asleep. When I felt it was safe enough to come out, I walked over to the oven, opened it up and found the bottom covered in white ashes. Come to find out, the damn thing doesn’t self clean-up the rest. Not to mention there were still drips on the door!! Which, in my opinion, is total bullshit and not worth being fumigated out of your house for FOUR hours for a SEMI-clean oven.

I should have googled Heloise BEFORE I cleaned the damn oven:

•Self-cleaning ovens provide removal of soil during a separate heat cycle.

•NEVER use any kind of cleaning aid on a self-cleaning oven. The finish will be removed. Once that happens, the oven will no longer clean itself. Do all cleaning with ordinary detergent and water or windex. [oops!]

•In a self-cleaning oven use a plain water dampened sponge or paper towel to wipe up the ash that remains at the bottom after the cleaning process has finished.

•If you choose the clean the oven racks in the self cleaning cycle [apparently this was a choice?], be prepared to have them become discolored and dull finished [SHIT!]. If the appearance of the oven racks is of no importance to you, then you can clean them in the oven [again, of course I care about their appearance!]. Wipe the sides of the racks with salad oil after cleaning so they will slide more easily without scratching the oven walls [great, this is the only thing I can actually do in retrospect].

•Remember you are dealing with extreme temperatures, up to 500 degrees for more than an hour [FOUR] and strong temperatures. Don’t be creative.

CAUTION: Always turn on the vent and open windows to protect yourself from fumes. ALWAYS keep children and pets away from such cleaning projects!

So after FOUR hours of a stinky house, I have a semi-clean oven and dull racks. I never wanted a dull rack – I guess I will go wipe my rack down with oil so it can slide in and out more easily [hee hee]. I hate being domestic.