Just you wait Henry Higgins, just you wait!

I’m pretty happy I’m off the market. The meat market that is – I’m now limited to a selected person’s meat and that’s totally fine with me. I like his meat – I do. Forever. Anyway, Heidi and I were at the gym last night talking about single people we know. I totally feel for my friends who are single. Like I don’t care about people who are 18 and single, but then again I don’t have any teenage friends. I would never want to have to date again, get to know someone again, tell someone I do not like cheese on my salad again! So I have this guy friend from my JYAD club (jewish young adult daytonians) and he was all like “I got stood up by a waitress at Flavors last night and now I’m suicidal”. My first question: What the hell is Flavors and why do single men hang out there?! [Gym, my gym boyfriend, also hangs out there. It’s definitely on my list of places to check out.] Second I ask, why is it so hard for you to find a woman – what are you 32? I wanted to die because I made a joke like “well at least you’re not 40 and single” Insert foot in mouth – he totally IS 40!! [In my defense he looks like he’s 32 and has more hair than FI – but still felt bad] So I told him I would keep an eye out. He says he can’t post on E-Harmony [which is always my first suggestion] because he has to post his age and then people think he is lying about his picture. Like he is pulling out an old frat pic from college and trying to pass it off as his 40-year-old-self. I told him he can use me as a reference and I’ll totally talk him up. I’m helpful like that.

I actually know a few guys – really great ones – who are single. I started telling Heidi about my #1 single project. He is AMAZINGLY funny, smart, witty, likes to read, has four chest hairs, eats way to much pepper on his steak, enjoys beverages and unfortunately is tragically single. The only downside is he’s catholic but he’ll totally ditch christ for the possibility of getting laid [I think.] Part of the problem is he has a book disease – he buys them, writes them, stacks them, sells them, dusts them, logs them and chronically reads them!! He reads for a living – not actually for money but it’s pretty much all he does. His house is lined with bookshelves of neatly organized and cataloged books, all of which he’s read at least once. He had been using dial up and a landline phone up until last year and we finally convinced him to jump into the 21st century by subscribing both high speed internet and a cell phone. Phew! That took some convincing. He also recently bought a new car – so he is like a whole new person. He walks around yelling "Daddy’s got a brand new bag" – but I think that’s just the beer talking. Anyway, he really is great and now I am determined to marry him off. FI and I already tried to hook him up with a medical student which ended disastrously when we went on a double date. There wasn’t a single spark [she was a dud] and by the end of dinner FI bitched out the Don Pablos waitress [a nasty smoker with pink fritos posing as nails] AND the manager. Said party was embarrassed at his outburst and we left. Bad date. But I am determined to try again, this time with my equally single friend Jennie. She doesn’t leave her house because she’s too busy reading… what!? Two people obsessed with reading?! They will get married. Just wait internets!