Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Here at Globo Gym, we understand that "Ugliness" and "Fatness" are genetic disorders

So I have a boyfriend. [Right tam, you’re engaged so of course you have a boyfriend] No, other than FI, I have another boyfriend. His name is “gym” and his actual full name is “gym boyfriend”. This is an incredibly clever name, because I met him at the gym and that is where we rendezvous [<--I bet words like this really piss off first graders who are hooked on phonics] He is totally “that guy” who spends all of his time at the gym, may or may not have a job, and although he might be a little creepy you can’t help but feel bad for him and make him your boyfriend. Gym takes my cycling class and we do lunges together after class. I recently introduced him to my friend Heidi, and she approves [back off bitch].

I’ll give you all a visual. Gym’s body is shaped like a popsicle, one of those double ones that you can break apart and share with a friend. He wears the same North Carolina basketball jersey – every day. This is funny because once a guy came up to him and says “How bout that game last night, man those Tarheels really pulled one out” - Gym looked at the guy with a blank stare for I swear like two minutes and then said “what?” The guy was so confused he just walked away. He also owns 9 different pairs of Nike Shox, although I told him last night that was kinda gay. Oh and I forgot to tell you the best part, gym has some sort of eye disease where the skin peels off of his eyelids and leaves behind a red rash. Yep it’s totally sexy if you are into impetigo and shit. I think it also made his lashes fall out – but lashes are overrated anyway. Nuff said, I’m sure you are turned on already. Gym is a great friend; he text messages me on my phone and calls me “trouble”. Sometimes I think it’s because he forgets my real name. I need to be careful not to fall too hard though, he has lots of other woman-friends at the gym. He has morning friends, Tuesday friends, old friends, and evening friends. Once he went to a party with one of his evening friends and she introduced him as her “gym friend” – he was so livid that he will not talk to her ever again. I her defense I think she was just indicating where she met such a catch so that others could envy her, but he took it to mean they weren’t friends anywhere other than the gym. Gym also knows all of the athletic club gossip, who broke up, who’s on roids, who sent in an embarrassingly optimistic application to model bikinis at the Arnold Classic. He also somehow knows personal details about everyone there.

Me: wonder why shelia wasn’t in class today
Gym: well, I love her as a friend, but since her dog died and her kid OD’d on sleeping meds she’s really gone downhill. I think she might have had a hair appointment tonight, she needed to get her roots done. I also think her cable bill is late.
Me: I was thinking traffic but okay. wow.

So last month I finally broke down and told FI about Gym. At first he was mad, he said that all men have hidden agendas and he probably wants to bend me over and boink my pretty parts. "Whatever" I said, "he’s nice and he’s shaped like a popsicle." I think FI hated him most because of the NC jersey – stupid Duke fans can’t even be open minded for a second. Anyway, FI has decided to let this play out. Although he did say I was not to get into his car [he has a truck anyway] and not to be alone with him or give out our address. And I am happy with that, because you know what, maybe there are pictures of me taped to his visor and maybe he has a deep well in his basement that he keeps a small dog in and lowers food to it twice a day [maybe once, he is at the gym A LOT]. But for now, we have a bond me and Gym, and doing lunges with him is not going to get me pregnant and but it might get me better thighs. Marriage is full of sacrifice; I just hope I don’t get that eye disease.


Heidi said...

Haha, I LOVE this post. For realsies though, he is a nice guy but does give off the creepy guy vibe. Also, he doesn't come to class unless you are teaching!

Haha, see you at Pilates!

Jennie! said...

I almost threw up when you started talking about his eye fungus.