Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Friday, March 27, 2009

Yes, may I please speak with a Ms. Baby Mama?

Some Fridays I work for another study that recruits people from a DUI (jail alternative) program. Sometimes I like to read the intake forms for funsies. Keep in mind the people are not drunk when they get to the program.

(Sample 1) Race: American

(Sample 2) Race: Human

(Sample 3) Race: Cactation*

(Sample 4) Emergency Contact: Baby Mama 555-5555

(Sample 5) Occupation: Stripper (name of club)


*cactation = caucasian

Thank you this is very informational, excuse me while I laugh my aSK off.

Also I was at the dermatologist yesterday (having my tattoo blasted for the 10th time) and I was reading Shape magazine. I stole a page from the magazine (god I hate when people do this. I am that person.) with an ad for Caffeine strips. I haven't drank (dranken? drunk?) caffiene for over three years because of some weird sensitivity I developed to it. BUT sometimes, when I order decaf... I find out later (when I'm jittering and slapping my husband in the face) that it was, in fact, caffeinated. These test strips are great - finally a test stick you don't have to pee on to get it to work! I'm buying these. I wish I had them already.

Tonight is "husband-crashes-girls-night" We play this sometimes with Heidi and Jennie - they love it, they actually request it (like I'm not fun enough by myself!?) Husband always asks us to have a naked pillow fight or rub lotion on our boobies, because according to him, that's what girls do on "girls night." Unfortunatly, we're going to the movies (I Love You Man) so that won't be an option for tonight (as if it ever were an option). Although, I bet you five bucks (don't say "bucks" it's not ladylike) he'll still ask.

Happy Weekend! Cheers to a bunch of cactations getting drunk and having a naked pillow fight at the movies!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Monday Movie Review

I was so busy talking about residual Valentine’s blah blah, gushing over girly-products and dreaming about shagging an emo-dreads-dude I forgot to fill you in on my movie reviews...

Taken
This was our V-Day matinee and seeing as though we went in with low expectations (and a warning that the movie isn’t realistic) we actually enjoyed it. The plot is really simple – daughter gets abducted and father kicks major a@@ to try and save her. I decided Liam Neeson is a cool dad and if I am ever forced into a prostitution ring in some godforsaken country, I hope he would come and save me too.

Zack and Miri [make a porno]
(Note: this movie is very very dirty and has very dirty words/images/innuendos/jokes – I think that stuff is funny. Don’t judge me.) Zack and Miri are platonic roommates about to get kicked out of their shitty Pittsburgh apartment until they happen upon the idea of making a porno to increase cash flow. People who know me, know I hate porn, but this movie really isn’t about porn (per se) and is more about living up to standards, quirky friendships and the girl from Cry Baby.

[I also think it's funny that they changed the title of this movie after complaints. Apparently, as long as the content of a movie is masked by a cute name society doesn't care what it's about.]

Also, I am the luckiest girl - I've gotten to see two (count 'em, TWO) Broadway musicals this month. See? Spreading the February is making all kinds of good karma for me.

25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
A doctor at the hospital unexpectedly gave husband two tickets (free!) to see the Broadway tour of this show on Saturday night – the seats were on the aisle in the 10th row! SweetassSweet. Finally, a perk amidst this medical-student madness. The show was A-DOOR-ABLE. Perfect roles for any character actor/actress. Each one is nuttier than the next. Seriously, if it tours in your area, go.see.it. It’s hilarious! And if you’re a good speller, there’s even an opportunity for YOU to be in the BEE! (god knows I didn’t volunteer myself). There is even a song about erections!

Did you watch the Oscars? I did and here is my take on it.

Love Love Loved Natalie Portman’s dress.

I think Hugh Jackman and Pierce Brosnen can now make babies (together)

Anne Hathaway can sing. I like!

Reese Witherspoon, I heart you but you looked like hell.

Jennifer Aniston was so nervous that Brangelina was seated in front of her she screwed up her lines. She also tried funny and unless she’s channeling Rachel Green, she sucks at it. Also bringing John Mayer looked like it was bring-an-awkwardly-tall-younger-man-to-your-work-Christmas-party day.

Fara Fawcet. Yikes! Someone tried to criticize her dress; I couldn’t get past her face.

Brangelina snubbed Ryan Seacrest… again! (but OMG I want those green earrings!)

Worst. Deadpeople. Tribute. Ever. Day.

Yay Slumdog!

Seth Rogan lost weight – and he was sleeping with hot chicks in movies while he was fat. I think I heart him.

Thank god for DVR - there were exactly five awards that I actually cared about.

Result:
I want to see Milk.
I want to see The Wrestler, because of Marissa Tome.
I want to see Rachel's Getting Married.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Take that Kelly Kapowski!

The Office is a repeat tonight. Watch this instead. I love the part where she says, "Beyonce, pick the color, hot dogs, basically anything that is awesome..."



Oh and don't forget today is the LAST day to register for my the HGTV dream home!!