I made out with your cheek because I can

I have been in a funk lately and yesterday when husband asked, “So has anything been good lately?” I couldn’t think of a single thing. I can ALWAYS think of things – but yesterday nothing came to mind. I was going to write a post about how hard I’m hating on job/skin/life/lemonbars right now – but is that what you really want to read about?

No

With misery, comes company

and that's not the type company you or I want to keep

You want to read about how much even though my husband has been fighting cold/flu symptoms for over a week now and has kept his slobbery lips at a distant so not to infect me – I still *adore* him and have snuggled into his cheek like a middle school crush.

I bet you’d want to know about how amazing my mom is for spending six weeks in Florida taking care of my grandparents. She gets up every 6 hours to give birthday grandpa his pain medicine and even though he sasses her about not being able to scoot sans walker – he needs her. We missed Mother's Day together but I sent her a ginormous box of goodies which she called to gush over in the most I'm-not-completely-exhausted voice she could find. I am so proud of her and I miss her.

You may like to know that, much to my delight, my good friends Heidi and Jennie! moved down the street last week. You can’t imagine just how long a 15 minute drive can be until you have a Victoria Secret free panty coupon burning a hole in your pocket and no one to shop it out with. Problem. Solved.

You will definitely want to celebrate a birthday with Three Nichols because their adorable little son turned ONE on Wednesday. I can’t believe a year ago husband and I sat in the hospital room with them through the labor induction process only to have Miss Kelly push effortlessly three times and fall madly in love with her strong little boy. I wish so much that they lived closer so I could revel in his milestones with her.

I'm sure you're as excited as I am that Jim and Pam are preggers!


And lastly, something you all know, it's Friday. And no matter how many batches of lemon bars I screwed up – the week is almost gone with nothing left to do but love on my husband. Tonight is date night and I just might talk him into splitting an order of fish and chips and an ice cold Hoegaarden on a patio just before sunset.

So that’s what’s good lately

It just took me a day to remember

Yes, may I please speak with a Ms. Baby Mama?

Some Fridays I work for another study that recruits people from a DUI (jail alternative) program. Sometimes I like to read the intake forms for funsies. Keep in mind the people are not drunk when they get to the program.

(Sample 1) Race: American

(Sample 2) Race: Human

(Sample 3) Race: Cactation*

(Sample 4) Emergency Contact: Baby Mama 555-5555

(Sample 5) Occupation: Stripper (name of club)

*cactation = caucasian

Thank you this is very informational, excuse me while I laugh my aSK off.

Also I was at the dermatologist yesterday (having my tattoo blasted for the 10th time) and I was reading Shape magazine. I stole a page from the magazine (god I hate when people do this. I am that person.) with an ad for Caffeine strips. I haven't drank (dranken? drunk?) caffiene for over three years because of some weird sensitivity I developed to it. BUT sometimes, when I order decaf... I find out later (when I'm jittering and slapping my husband in the face) that it was, in fact, caffeinated. These test strips are great - finally a test stick you don't have to pee on to get it to work! I'm buying these. I wish I had them already.

Tonight is "husband-crashes-girls-night" We play this sometimes with Heidi and Jennie - they love it, they actually request it (like I'm not fun enough by myself!?) Husband always asks us to have a naked pillow fight or rub lotion on our boobies, because according to him, that's what girls do on "girls night." Unfortunatly, we're going to the movies (I Love You Man) so that won't be an option for tonight (as if it ever were an option). Although, I bet you five bucks (don't say "bucks" it's not ladylike) he'll still ask.

Happy Weekend! Cheers to a bunch of cactations getting drunk and having a naked pillow fight at the movies!

Frick My Life - say it with me!

I'm SOUP-ER busy at work, but I guess that’s what happens when you leave for a week. Today I went home for lunch and ate a cabbage roll (I like them, don’t judge) and I must admit the smell is a bit fartsy. I also noticed a speck of chocolate on the passenger seat of my car (Ack!) so I scrubbed the seat for twenty minutes like the OCD freak that I am. Driving back to work, I noticed the man in the rickety old truck in front of me was smoking a pipe. While stopped at a red light, all I could think about was getting out of my car, walking over to his driver’s window and sniffing inside his window. I imagined the smoke had a rich hickory smell with a hint of cherry. I love pipe smell, and besides I needed something to clear my nasal passages of upholstery cleaner and cabbage.

I imagine the conversation would have gone like this:

Alarmed man: What's you doing missy!?
Me: Just smelling.
Alarmed man: Giiiirl, you nuts! Get back in yo’r cahr
Me: Just one more sniff sir, I had cabbage for lunch.

Tonight we are going to Buffalo Wild Wings for some March Madness action (Go Duke! yay mini corn dogs!) Did I mention I bought into a sportsy basketball raffle for charity? (make your own sunshine march, remember?) AND the team they drew for me was...Louisville! If I were picking for myself I would have chosen based on which team wears the best costume uniform or the team that has the best hottest players – I almost always beat my husband’s bracket with this methodology. I like to win, so I hope winning is in my future.

Also a friend of my husbands turned me on to this website last night, it cracks me up so hard. I can't wait until I have a witty story to write in to FML

I especially like this one, only because my husband and I have this conversation on a regular basis:

Today, I went to the doctor to find out why I've been feeling so sick the past several weeks. Turns out, I'm severely allergic to the cat of my girlfriend of two years. I told her "It's me or the cat." She chose the cat. FML

Lastly, my birthday is in 23 days. I still have no idea what my gift is except for you can sometimes play with it and sometimes eat it and my husband isn't 100% sure that I will like it. 100 days of suspense for a gift I don't like? Is he nuts?

I'll take rows A-F, you get the rest.

I lieu of your regularly scheduled “My Favorite Things” Friday I have opted for The Collective phone it in Friday. What five people would you most like to punch IN THE FACE? Because punching people in the face just happens to be one of my favorite things to do (just ask my husband.) (Kidding about that last statement.) (Threats don't count.) (Until you act on them.) (Then they count.)

1. People who are crying because their salary is now capped...AT HALF A MILLION DOLLARS! I actually almost punched my car radio in the face while listening to THIS. [excerpt]

“If you limit people’s [greedy bank executives] pay to $500,000 - I think you will have people looking for alternative places for employment….in many cases those companies will welcome you with open arms. You’re going to have a lot of these people saying, ‘Where’s my bank book because I need to make a withdrawal out of my savings account in order to continue to live.’ And I realize that in today’s, in today’s world, there‘s not a lot of sympathy for people that are in that situation with the number people that have lost their jobs and taken pay cuts or pay freezes. But, the reality is, these people have built a lifestyle based on expecting that they were going to earn significantly more and this is a real drag on how they’re going to meet the obligations that they and their family have set forth."

BOO FRICKIN’ HOO PUNCH! PUNCH!

2. People who don’t pay their taxes and then publicly embarrass our new president after not doing so. Nuff said. Pay your your taxes. It's the law. I was audited for $700 and somehow you slid under the radar with $200,000 in back tax? How does that happen! How?! I'M WEARING THIS RED, WHITE & BLUE HAT JUST TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE, SLAM! (because I'm festive like that).

3. People who can eat anything they want and not get fat. Furthermore, people who qualify said eating with phrases like “I just have a fast metabolism I guess” and "I don't go to the gym because I don't like being sweaty. " IN YOUR PIE-HOLE PUNCH!

4. The representatives at the Sprint Delta call center

[ring! ring!]
Representative: *heavy accent* He-low may-ee name is “Bob” hohw cahn I helup y(oo)?

[First off THERE IS NO WAY YOUR NAME IS BOB!]

Me: Hi Bob, [or whatever you real name is] I would like to book a flight from Dayton, Ohio.
Representative: Oh-Kehy, one teek-it from Day-tohna Beeech.
Me: Dayton.
Representative:Day-tohna Beeech.
Me: NO, DAY-TON. DAYTON OHIO!! IN THE MIDDLE OF AMERICA!
Representative: Yes, Day-tohna Beeech. Where are you headed to?

I hate you! Goodbye. DOUBLE THROUGH THE PHONE PUNCH!
*I swear I am not racist, I just really wanted to book a flight.

5. It's a tie between Sarah Palin and K-Fed for so many reasons my brain hurts counting them. I know I cheated by naming two here, but I'm hoping MTV will bring back celebrity death match and then I can kill two turds with one stone watching the brawl. In the meantime, WHAAAPOW! Slammed.

I also want to send an HONORARY SHOUT OUT ["Hah -Lah!"] to *Andrew* for wanting to punch in the face the entire orchestra section at the upcoming Ray Lamontagne concert in Pittsburgh. As told through an email to his fiance. [warning: you just might piss your pants]

Happy Weekend and Shabbat Shalom!

(I have a hot date tonight - it involves a movie and rice krispy treats! God I love being married.)

My Favorite Things – Edition #5

My new Secondhand Serenade CD; currently heart THIS song (for obvious reasons)

My Amazon Prime membership. Man am I addicted to this. My heart’s desires arrive at my doorstep in 48 hours or less. Every whim tangible with no additional fees. Amazon, my shopping finger thanks you.

The deal sites I frequent.
Slick Deals
Steep and Cheap

Tonight we’re having a dinner party for Shabbat with hopes of breaking out Wii Rock Band (Jews+Rock Band = recipe for peace in Israel). Tomorrow my kitty is getting a haircut and I am going try to talk husband into a movie date: Gran Torino.

What are you doing this weekend friends?