Monday, August 31, 2009

The car is no place to spend a weekend

If you love your husband as much as I love mine, here is a bit of marital advice for you to chew on.

DO NOT drive from North Carolina to Boston with him with nothing but a mini snickers bar, a travel-sized bag of cashews, four jolly ranchers and an ipod shuffle.

We set out with high hopes and big plans. Friday, 4.5 hours of driving to make our way to DC and stay with friends. Mission accomplished. We talked about everything there was for two gorgeously attractive married people to discuss and wrapped it up just about the time we pulled up at our friend’s house for a late-night snack and a good night's rest.

ENTER DAY 2

THIRTEEN STRAIGHT HOURS IN THE CAR TOGETHER!! THREE HOURS OF STOPPED TRAFFIC ON THE NJ TURNPIKE (NJ TURNPIKE – I OFFICIALLY HATE YOU FOREVER)!! THIRTY-TWO DOLLARS IN TOLLS!!! (who the shit carries that much cash on them?) DIRTY REST STOPS!! THIRSTY!! DIRTY REST STOPS!!

Oh and did I mention we ran out of things to talk about on DAY ONE!!?

Did I mention his car is a stick shift which I refuse to learn to drive, therefore I could not help him drive and as a result he got SHIN SPLINTS ON THE NJ TURNPIKE!!

Did I mention rest stops are DIRTY?

Did I mention we have a marital rule that the passenger cannot fall asleep (they are supposed to keep the driver awake and alert at all times) and is responsible for TOPICS OF CONVERSATION?

Did I mention no amount of Sirius Radio or ipod playlists can span 17.5 HOURS!? (also did you know there is a song called, My Weiner? – well there is. And it’s almost dirtier than REST STOPS!!)

Also, did you know PEOPLE ARE RUDE ASSHOLES? Well, they are. THEY REALLY ARE! I was standing in line (A long long line) for the loo (did I mention the NJ Turnpike was backed up for TWENTY MILES?? Yeah that makes lots of ladies and LOTS OF PEEING) and BTW there was NO LINE for the penis bathroom and out comes a scruffy old man who looks at the line of uncomfortable women clenching their pee-holes and says, “Well ladies, goes to show ya’ – it’s a man’s world.” DIIIIICK!

Anyway this frizzy hot mess of a lady walks up and down the line saying, “I’m sorry but I have to go, I’m just not waiting in this line. I’m not waiting.” She ends up four people behind me and once we are actually in the bathroom she pushes me to the side and says – “I’m going ahead of you, I really have to go.” I should have peed right on her. The people behind me were appalled. There was a very pregnant lady in front of me who waited her turn in line, despite many people offering to let her pass in front of them. As the piss lady pushes past me, I hear from behind me, “Oh my god, the nerve of that woman! If she would have pushed that pregnant girl aside – IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ON!” So it’s totally okay if she pushes the cute red-headed chick out of the way? I stood in line wishing the piss princess had pushed preggers and I could have had a front row seat to the gun show. Instead I said nothing, but used my powers of telekinesis to work voodoo magic on her (the piss lady, not the pregnant lady).

If my powers are correct, she is itching the bjeezus out of her lady parts AS WE SPEAK!

For more on how to get divorced, stay tuned TOMORROW.

3 comments:

Jennie! said...

Holy effing lord, how is it possible to spend $32 on tolls?!

ohioana said...

Kent and I sometimes go for hours without talking on car trips because THAT HAS SAVED OUR MARRIAGE. Also, the lady in line behind you would've fought on behalf of the prego because no one fights well without a good center of gravity and no one wants to see an innocent fetus hurt in the dirty bathroom line. She didn't kick ass for you because your good looks made her jealous!

Tam said...

because on the east coast tolls are just THAT expensive! I swear on hot dogs we drove 7 miles on a toll road and then had to pay $5!! WTF?

E, it's times like that, when I wish I was a ninja.