Monday, August 3, 2009

Bouncing here, and there, and everywhere, WE ARE THE GUMMIE BEARS!

None of the etiquette books have quite ventured into the realm of social networking standards. I’m already particular about who I choose to friend on FB, and chances are if I didn’t like you then – I don’t like you now. Are you a band? IGNORE. Did we meet once at camp when I was eleven? IGNORE. Were you shagging my brother in high school? IGNORE. Did you pull a chair out from under me in the sixth grade? IGNORE.

Then there are people who I was kind of friends with, but not really, but curiosity uses BLUNT FORCE to DIRECT MY TYPING FINGER in the direction of: ACCEPT. Or the obligatory friend ACCEPT because I actually see you and you will ask my why we’re not FB friends yet. Ouch. Then once I friend some blast from the past and I’ve read that you married the kid that sat two rows behind me in history, found JESUS and your fecundity and now you’re posing for candids in the grass with matching jean shirts – I’m pretty much done looking at your page. HOWEVER, now I must see your CONSTANT evangelical updates splattered on my feeds.

So what do I do? I simply press : DELETE FRIEND.

Until, a month later I get ANOTHER FRIEND REQUEST that says this:

Hey Tam! I thought we were friends on here, but I looked and apparently we’re not anymore. I hope I didn’t say anything to offend you. If so please let me know, I’d like to talk about it. God bless!

GASP! SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIT!

I contemplated typing: Actually, I’m Jewish and barren and your proselytizing/bible verses and parenting shenanigans are on my last nerve. Take Care, Tam.

Instead, I FRIENDED HER AGAIN and wrote this: Hey, no, my FB account had some technical difficulties. Sorry!

I HAVE NO BALLS!!!!!!!! I am a HUGE LOSER. This is SO NOT LIKE ME. I HATE MYSELF FOR EVEN ADMITTING TO THIS ON MY BLOG.

I then spent the next half hour trying to figure out how to delete said person's feeds from my homepage.

I also want to unfriend my Rabbi’s husband (oh the constant quizzes and sports related rants! I don’t care what your top five favorite cereals are OR that you’re watching a Reds game from behind third base!!)

This ON TOP of the "friends" whose requests I've IGNORED SEVEN TIMES!! Seriously, if I haven't friended you by now, STOP ASKING.

I might have to quit Facebook because people annoy me. Because of Facebook, I’m going to hell.

THEN I found 100,000 reasons to click on THIS AD in my Facebook sidebar. I’m totally opposed to these ads which seem to be SPECIFICALLY TAILORED TO ME (seriously, after I changed my status to “married” I started getting adds for how to increase my chances of conceiving a child, WTF?) but this picture explains it all.


Candy lovers rejoice! The Giant Gummy Bear on a Stick represents the most delicious candy confection that man has ever produced. Hand made (with gloves on) in the US, the Giant Gummy Bear is 88 times larger than a standard gummy bear. Each Giant Gummy Bear weighs half a pound and comes on a stick for easy, mess-free snacking.

3 comments:

Jennie! said...

I think that guy is enjoying his gummy bear a little too much.

Tam said...

i know!!!

Mermanda said...

There's so much to say that I don't know how to get my thoughts straight... Denim shirts? NO! Really? Seven friend requests? Who does that? WHY DID YOU FRIEND HER AGAIN? You should have just ignored it. Unless you might see her at the grocery store. Then, good move, lady.

Also: Is that a bear shaped lollipop? Or is actually chewy gummy like stuff? Because how sore would your jaw be after eating that em-effer?