Learn more about the 'parental control' button

In 2004, I received an email that said, “Hello Tamara, Welcome to TheKnot! Congratulations on your engagement.” I had just moved to Dayton and was a little over a year into my relationship. I pondered the email and then picked up the phone.

Scott: Hello?
Me: Did you register me for that knot wedding website thing?
Scott: (giggle, giggle) No, why would you say thaaat?
Me: Scott, I know you did it!
Scott: HAHAHAHA! Okay okay I did it. Do you want the password so you can start planning?
Me: Scott, I’m not engaged! I’m nowhere NEAR engaged!!
Scott: HAHAHA I know, isn’t it hilarious?

When I actually did get engaged in 2007, I asked him to be my Man of Honor... and then asked him for the password to my knot account :)

Fast forward to July. When we arrived home from our honeymoon there was a copy of Working Mother magazine waiting for me. I looked at the cover thinking our mail lady lazily misplaced the parcel (this month I got a copy of Harpers Bazaar that wasn’t mine, I kept it) except it had my name on it. I was freaked out at first, “Uh! I just got married, I don’t need Working Mother. I need how-to-keep-your-sex-life-spicy.” We evaded the constant nagging about our nuptials for years... and now this! Subtle hint maybe? I texted my primary suspect this afternoon:

Me: Did you sign me up for Working Mother magazine?
Scott: No… was I supposed to? Are you preg?
Me: No and No. But SOMEONE signed me up right after the wedding.
Scott: Maybe your vajayjay.
Me: I hate you.

I highly doubt that my vagina subscribed me, so I put my address into their website (that I have NEVER been to) today and this is what it said:

Account Status: Active Paid
Issue Information:
Your current order began with the Jul 1, 2008 issue.
Your subscription will expire with the May 1, 2009 issue.

I threw the first magazine away, but have kept the subsequent issues. I haven’t opened them, mostly because although I am working (if you call this working), I am NOT a mother. But maybe one day my loins will bear fruit and I will actually want to read articles about how to get your husband off the couch and how to monitor if your kid is fishing the internets for nekkid ladies.
Now if you subscribed me, fess up!

TheKnot Message Boards...

OMG you guys... you know how I used to poke fun at how *crazy* some of the brides on theknot are? Well THIS IS SO FUNNY!!!

Just step over her, please.

Our wedding is in 14 days. That's exactly two weeks from today. Two weeks from right now I will be sitting in a chair having my hair and make up done. That is so weird. Last night after work FI and I... met with the florist, picked up my [perfectly fixed] dress, bought pads for my shoes, went and bought napkins and candle holders, met with the cake lady, fought in the car, and had our final menu tasting. Other than the fighting in the car [sheesh weddings are stressful] things went smoothly. Only 699 more things on the "to do" list..uuhg!

OH AND OH...KJ! GOT ENGAGED!! YAY KJ! Her FI, B, is best friends with my FI from high school. I have only met her once "in the flesh" [hehe, I've always wanted to type that], but through blogging, feminism and our love of stool softeners, we've become sisters. B is a groomsmen [not a bridesmate] - they will get a good little taste of wedding crazy when they come.

Advice for KJ:
1. Don't have Bridesmaids, if you want to keep a girl as a friend DON'T ask her to be in your wedding. OR ask your bitchiest friend and slap her in wedding rage and chalk it up to BM duty.
2. Don't spend lots of money on invitations - it's stupid. [Unless you're rich, then go ahead and shimmer paper your ass off]
3. Get EVERYTHING writing. We had to put it in writing last night for our caterer to put butter on the table!
4. If FI has an opinion [these will be few and far between] let him have his way.
5. Don't spend a shit load on the dress, it's not worth it. Wear THIS!
6. Don't go to an ESL seamstress for alterations.
7. Use THEKNOT message boards for advice, but do not participate in crazy rants.
8. Friday and Sunday weddings are WAY CHEAPER. [again, rich, don't worry about it]
9. Make lots of effort to include your [and his] moms,aunts, & gmas. Even small little things that you don't even think about [the moment you put on your dress] mean the world to them.
10. Elope.

I also told KJ it would be great if one year from now a magical party with everything she ever dreamed of could just appear. IF I had a wand that worked, I'd bippity boppity boo you that as a wedding present [that and I'm cheap]. I know my party will be magical - but the yellow brick road is lined with blood, sweat and tears [and a mangled Philippino seamstress].

I'd kill my Rabbi with a pork chop to be with your sister!

I have been incredibly overwhelmed with wedding crap lately. 8 weeks and three days left and I’m barely going to make it. Mostly details now, and my old strategy of setting it aside for a week or two and then coming back to it with a fresh outlook is out the window. The only thing that’s fresh these days is my attitude with the caterer. It’s funny to me how people assume you know how to do things, wedding things, like, write invitations, design a menu, write a ceremony. Shit the only thing I’m not doing is altering my own dress! I have never been married before – how the hell should I know what to write in an invitation? That would be like someone saying, “Oh you are having a rocket engine party? Why don’t you go ahead and put it together and then we’ll talk about how you want to display it” What? NO.

Today I saw a post on theknot from one of these crazy brides that continue to stalk the boards months, even years, after they are married. It said this:

I miss the process sometimes, but I will never forget how crazy it made me. It was like a ride a King's Island or something. I laughed. I cried. I was happy. I was terrified. I wanted to kill myself. I guess the more I think about it I'm glad it's over but …I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

What? Does she need a mental exam? Wow that made me want to off myself – so lets do it again! With the divorce rate these days and the obvious assumption that she’s nuts, she probably does have a good chance of planning again, but I am doing this once people. It took me 23 years to find this guy and I’m hanging on to him [not to mention he isn’t anywhere close to his maximum income potential.]

Weddings are just stressful in general. Even good old GW is struggling with wedding drama. I read this by the AP today talking about Jenna B’s upcoming nuptials [p.s. FI says that ANYONE named Jenna is an f’ing slut and proceeded to tell all of his friends I considered naming a kid that. They are now all texting me reasons why Jenna is a sluts name. I hate them]

Bush may be commander in chief, but outnumbered by three women - his wife and twin daughters - he hasn't gotten to weigh in much on the wedding planning.

"They're letting me spend money," Bush joked in February.

Bush played the role of broke father of the bride again in March, joking: "I had to face some very difficult spending decisions, and I've had to conduct sensitive diplomacy. That's called planning for a wedding."

I think this is the smartest quote anyone has ever transcribed from this man. Too bad he’s full of shit with a 400K salary, Halliburton kick-backs and a hand-job away from Exxon Mobile dividends. He can afford a wedding and an Aston Martin.

Well if we’re going to sum it up with the Bush-ism sensitive diplomacy – I’m gonna have to practice the sensitive angle when I tell my invitation lady to change the ugly font or I’ll swiffer wet jet her eyelids!

asking people to do their jobs is asking a lot

So it’s been a while since I talked about wedding drama. And seeing as though our wedding is in 86 days [yikes] I have been a little freaking out. Three months and I don’t have my dress altered, haven’t met with our coordinator, haven’t gotten my mom’s veil fixed, no bridesmaids dresses yet and FI hasn’t seen the inside of a gym in over a year! [just kidding budda!] Anyway, our latest drama is with the limo. FI really wants a limo to take us [and the wedding peeps] from the temple, to the pictures, to the reception. All of this is a total of maybe 5 miles and one hour. Seeing as though weddings end up being all about what the bride wants, mostly because the groom doesn’t give a flying shit about napkin folds or calligraphy [and if you think your man will be different – either he’s gay or you owe me five bucks!] if he wants a limo he will have a limo. Word of advice ladies, if FI says he cares about something [which like I said will happen little to never] let him have it or you are a giant bitch [in my opinion].

Well apparently limos companies do not need meet your needs. Most have a 3-hr minimum priced at $100-$195 per hour. Then they tack on a 5% fuel charge, 6.5% sales tax, and 20% gratuity for the driver. I.shit.you.not.

We could not afford this ridiculousness so one of my fellow “knotties” who I helped get a deal on kegs since we have the same reception place, told me she knew a guy and he would help me out. So I called him up, he answered the phone as if he were a 14 year old kid almost yelling my ear off.

Limo sir: oh oh, you’re that friend of sisson’s yeah I’ll get you a super stretch for 2hrs for $215 out the door
Skeptical me: Um what does ‘out the door’ mean?
Limo sir: total – tax, gratuity,everything – you’ll get the red carpet service.
Skeptical me: okay can you send me a contract?
Limo sir: yep, okay I gottcha down – later!
Skeptical me: wait, you didn’t take my name or anything?
Limo sir: oh, right, yeah [takes info, possibly writes it down] I’ll have my secretary get a contract to you tomorrow.
Skeptical me: [you have a secretary?] bye.

After three weeks and no word from him I call again on a very snowy afternoon.

Skeptical me: hi um, we talked about a limo for my July 4th wedding three weeks ago?
Limo sir: Um…Oh! Oh yeah!...what’s up?
Skeptical me: I never received a contract.
Limo sir: Well, im kinda busy moving snow right now, but I’ll have my secretary get right on it. I own some plows too.
Skeptical me: [do you even have a secretary?! Plows and limos?] okay do you need my info again?
Limo sir: nope – I’ll get it in the mail

I hung up remembering I never gave him a mailing address – because he said he wanted to send it via email. That was almost two months ago, and after calling around to a few more companies and realizing, yet again, that we cannot afford them, FI called mr. limo sir and demanded we get a contract this week. There again was a lack of information taken but we did receive the contract this week addressed:
Mr. Jeremy
XXXX Limpliter lane
[spelled out appropriately would be Lamplighter, just as FI explained]

We looked at it SKEPTICALLY. Today FI IM’ed me at work.

FI: Are we going to hold off on that limo guy or just go ahead
Me: do we have a choice?
FI: probably not, and all he has to do is drive
FI: unfortunately we will have to deal with a sign on the back of the limo that reads “Jost Merryed”

The end.

Congratulate yourselves if you have done something strange and extravagant - Emerson

So in my whole wedding planning frenzy I have uncovered many fun and valuable resources. Other than theknot message boards, I found a discount candle place, a $15 bikini site, a free font download-pallooza, and a custom jewelry designer in Columbus [who BTW totally hijacked a design for my hair comb and custom made if for me for $40, instead of the $275 the bridal-rip-off place wanted]. Much to my online shopping addiction’s pleasure, I have also been turned onto Etsy. Their motto is “your place to buy & sell all things handmade”. I think the motto should be “fun stuff that freaky people make themselves”. I love supporting the little guy [or gal in this case because the majority of the sellers are women], and in the wedding industry this is a hard thing to do. You really have to dig hard to find a quality underdog, but being poor has an added incentive for me [oh you’ve never done a wedding before and you don’t speak English – who cares, you’re cheap! Go ahead and make my cake!] On Etsy, there is this badass tab on the side where you can choose a color, the site then brings up all of the listings that have that color in it. There is even a category to search called “geekery” – how fun! It’s magical people. I could shop there all day long buying jewelry, t-shirts, crocheted eggs – the list is endless.


One thing is really bothering me though, I cannot for the life of me find out what ETSY stands for or why/where it originated. It must stand for something – what a strange name. It really is the unknowable fact though, because even Wikipedia doesn’t know and she knows everything. I did discover that people who sell on there are apparently classified under a new race called Etsians.


I am speaking directly to all of you internets – Go buy something on Etsy!

most definately a PEBCAC error - Problem Exists Between Computer And Chair

I am getting a new computer. Some of me is excited and most of me doesn’t care. Very much like the new cell phone I got and I still don’t know how to work half the frickin’ features. FI is a computer nerd of sorts [like the hottie hot Jim-from-The-Office type not the steve erkle type]. He got me RAM for one of our first christmas’s together – that was almost a deal breaker. Anyway, in grad school he rebuilt me a computer out of old parts [some of his parts, some of my parts] it was like our first offspring. Anyway he said his parts used to randomly shut down but he had remedied the problem [collective AMEN]. I have been happily using this cloned-computer for about four years now, and then last month, when I was knotting away… screen goes black. Okay – it turned off. I waited and it turned back on. Weird but whatever - I began to reopen a b-zillion internet tabs and continued look at wedding shit. Well, the computer either hates wedding shit or hates me. Off. I turn it back on. OFF. I think it ‘s sick again. FI gets mad when I freak out about computer stuff so I put on my calm face and told him about my inability to dick around on the internet. He said, “uh oh”. When he says “uh-oh” that means we have to spend money on computer shit. I would much rather spend money on clothes or buy a new cat but I definitely don’t want to spend money on computers.

Anyway, I guess we were “in the market” for a computer [when do you say “I am out of the market” for something?] I don’t care what computer I get just as long as I can resume my knot obsession. I did ask if I could have a pink one, but he said no that only shitty computers come in pink as a marketing ploy for teenage girls to buy them. Okay, no pink, then I resume my party line – I DON’T CARE. He asked me if I wanted a lap top – I said I don’t care. He asked me if I wanted a desktop – I said I don’t care. I said I’d prefer to have a mouse because fondling that little velvet clit in the middle of the laptop keyboard just doesn’t rock my world. But other than that I don’t care and unless you want to see me turn a 2 syllable word into a 6 syllable word I re-he-he-he-heally think you should stop asking what kind of computer I want. I check email, I write in word documents, I use power point and I open 60 tabs at once on the internets. So after about a month of the I DON’T CARE discussion, I guess FI bought me one. It’s coming in the mail this week. He says it's super fast - like lightening speed. He is secretly jealous of my new computer. I want him to be jealous of something else, like my math skills or my ability to eat large amounts of corned beef hash [neither of which is a skill I actually possess – but he’d be jealous none the less]. I told him to give me his old computer and he can take the new one – seriously this is neither a selfless gesture nor a ploy to manipulate him when I really do want something, the level of me not caring is HUGE here people. But alas, He is too lazy to reformat his computer – so he’s giving me the speedy non-pink knot-abler. I am actually pretty sure it will be grey. I think it has a super big monitor, and being the size queen that I am – it makes me happy that I will now be able to type life-size blogs without my computer shutting off sporadically. Before I asked FI about the off-shutting I was going to take it as a sign from god that weddings are frivolous bullshit and I should not spend an entire snowed-in weekend looking at pictures of other peoples nuptials. But seeing as though the computer had a diagnostic history of the shutsies – it was most definitely technology and not god. God likes theknot.

The Ballon Dream

I'm feeling a little better today, I woke up the past few days with an apathy for life in general (notice I did not say appetite). I need things to look forward to, like immediate ones, not things like weddings that seem forever away. My mom is coming to visit tomorrow, to help me pick out flowers. I guess I should look forward to that.

Flowers. Hmmph! They die, they smell funny, and these wedding a-holes feed on your desire to file joint taxes and jack up the price. I swear even carnations are like $25 per stem for weddings. So herein lies the source of my procrastination. I don’t want to pay a ton of money for botany. Unfortunately my subconscious has partnered up with the compulsory planning department of my brain and decided that if I won’t indulge in florarama, the nightmares will ensue [brides on theknot say that nightmares are a common side effect of wedding planning and can start as early as day 1 – luckily mine started on day 159] This is my nightmare:

I am getting ready to marry the love of my life at a recreation center. All of the walls are institutionally white and guests are filing in to sit in the pew-lined gymnasium. I have my dress on but for some reason no shoes. I am getting ready to walk down the aisle and my mom and bridesmaids hand me a helium balloon on a string to carry.

Me: I’m not carrying this!
Them: Yes you are, we all are [I scan back to see each of my four flower girls happily holding a balllon]
Me: balloons are for 6-yr-old birthday parties, NOT weddings!!
Mom: You didn’t order flowers so this will have to do. Anyway, I bought wedding balloons, they’re iridescent white.

I storm out of the rec center, run across the street [in my dress and bare feet mind you] and proceed to rob the Kroger floral department. While robbing them, I complain that they don’t have enough green blooms to match my wedding decor. Oh and did I mention my rabbi’s wife was helping me by holding the door? Yeah, she’s good like that. As I was running back to my wedding ceremony/birthday party all I could think about was that my secrete clininal strength deodorant was a real ass kicker and I should write to the company.

I then wake up, call a florist and thought about writing the deoderant company anyway.

There is only one type of latex I will be dealing with on my wedding day!

does it rhyme with smishmorshin?

Wow democracy is in full swing and I have a love/hate relationship with "election season". Sure I appreciate people engaging in the freedoms our constitution affords us and even I like a little mud slinging at times - but seriously the rumor about using baby toes as confetti at Hilary’s acceptance speech is just wrong! And even worse - now that SUPER TUESDAY is over we can look forward to nine more months of campaign bullshit, on TV, on the radio, in magazines - event theknot has a new forum called "Brides Decide" [that should be a real election clincher]. Next thing you know Obama will be strapping on a yellow apron and handing out free samples at your local pick-and-save. [I myself would like to see him playing Frisbee on the quad at OSU. Please if anyone hears about this let me know - I want to go]

I actually had a thought, what if the candidates took all their trillions of dollars and helped uninsured children or made a dent in the deficit... or hired a Russian sniper to off GW? Shit that deserves at least 50% of the vote [choir sings AMEN!]. But FI says that campaigning does make a difference. We have had several conversations about which dem will get our vote ['ours' because we choose together so not to cancel our each other out] He says that either candidate could come into our living room and win our vote. Are we really that easy? I guess the answer is yes [and NO we do not have an "open" relationship - why do people keep asking!]

I did hear about low voter turn out because of the rain yesterday. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE? That’s like saying you don't go to work when it's cloudy outside or you don't pee on Thursdays. In some countries Election Day is a national holiday, I don't support that idea, because even then, lazy Americans would find an excuse not to vote, so why depress our economy even further.

Apparently I am aligned with the correct party after reading that Romney won the hearts of people who think the economy is stable and support the Iraq war. He touts that global warming is an environmentalist scare-tactic meant to interfere with free markets and has proclaimed himself "a crusader against gay marriage" - so other than those shacked up in the Waco compound - who the shit is voting for this guy?!

I think we will end up going with Obama, mostly because he's hot [which is the same logic I used when voting for Nader in '00... j/k...kinda]

TIA = thanks in advance

So I promised more idiosyncrasies from TheKnot so today I'll divulge a few. When you go to the message boards 2 tips. 1) you better know their lingo and 2) you better have your big girl panties on [not to be confused with your period panties or your "these floss my ass but might get me laid today" panties] because these chick can be downright mean!

So for example, a DD is a "dirty deleter" this I come to find out is someone who innocently posts something and then gets slammed by the bitches on the board. When she is done quivering and piecing her labia back together - she deletes her post out of sheer embarrassment. Apparently - this is a NO NO. They want you to leave your post and the subsequent crotch tearing replies for all to learn from. W.T.F. If they find out you deleted a post, they create more posts to bash you like "Was there a DD on this board yesterday" then the nice ladies proceed to call out your "knottie name" [because in knot world no one uses their real name, duh, the names are more like "iminlovewitastrippa" or whatever - mine is totally generic and has nothing to do with weddings]

Second - TheKnot bitches. These girls are out of control. There is one chick on there that slams people for wedding etiquette. Whaaatzup witchoo? Why can't I wear green shoes and put my registry cards in my Save the Dates? Who says my maid of honor has to use tampons? She will bash you in front of all the other brides but prefaces it with "not to offend any of the pp (previous posters) but"...BLAM.BLAM. she slaps you till you scream for mercy. (Did I mention she got married over a year ago but continues to stalk to the boards "to be helpful to other brides") I decided we will call them "ex brides with no life" EBWNL. What-ev on her she's totally douche.

So overall most of the posts are about.. you guessed it...weddings. And I must say I have gotten TONS of great advice from some of the girls. Random people will email you with weddding-related help, like this girl from Canada just made my table place cards and is sending them to me. Okay. weird. I also helped a girl from Cali find some rockin orange satin heels to wear on her wedding day. Okay. again. weird. FI says they are my "fake friends" but for some strange reason I feel like they are real people. I like to think that we are all in this together [only i care less and don't have a year's salary to spend]

162 days and counting....

dancing in my mind for so long..

I have always had a complex love-have relationship with my dad. I feel like ever since he met me, he never really understood me. He looks at me like I have five heads and he doesn't know where I came from. How in the hell did you come out with red hair? How can a child that small do so much sassing? I told you not to paint you bedroom bright yellow! What's a musical and why do I have to sit through 2hrs of it? You want to go to college where? But he's a Democrat? WHAT!? YOU'RE JEWISH? In his defense, I have been a handful from the moment I wiggled my way into this world. I guess when you're two and you come out dancing in a yellow bathing suit for the cable man on a regular basis your cop-father might get a little worried. He always just did the best he could to find a way to meet me in the middle.

So tonight I was on TheKnot message boards and someone posted a new song that she was considering for her Father-Daughter Dance. Dancing with my dad on my own wedding day has been on my mind since I was a little girl. Whenever I was mad at him I would think "I will never dance with him" and when we were getting along I'd think "we'll dance all night". I sat here and listened as tears fell on my keyboard - and aside from the fact that my flow is in full swing - it moved me. I cannot wait for the day that I marry FI, and in both a cliche and sick sort of way, marrying someone does in many ways take the place of that other man who you counted on, who loved you first and who hopefully you can find a way to always meet in the middle.

I have a running list of songs... this one is now at the top. I think you can hear the song here: http://www.stevencurtischapman.com/thismoment.htm

Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman
My Little Girl - Tim McGraw
In My Life - The Beatles or Bette Midler
Little Miss Magic - Jimmy Buffett
Father & Daughter - Paul Simon
I loved her first" by Heartland
Luther Vandross - Dance With My Father

Luckily I still have 168 days to decide...

I blogged!

So I love reading my friend Jennie's blog and feel like I may also have things to contribute to the blogging world [btw this means, "wow Jennie is nuts. I have crazy shit going on in my head too - I should share it in the form of an online narrative. I want to be Jennie. "]

Okay, that and the real reason I am starting a blog is because my FI [knottie shorthand for fiance - more on my love/hate relationship with THEKNOT later] is in medical school and I need friends. Note: I said FRIENDS, not other brides who want to talk about blowing 50K so you can finally screw the guy you have been going to third base with every night for the last two years. Note: this also does not include other medical students who, although may be smart enough to palpate your asshole, they apparently don't know that by petting my cat you cannot contract feline AIDS. Seriously people - just PET HER?! And and a final Note: if you are not in either of these groups there may be other stipulations. However, until I see how f'ed up in the head your are I cannot include a clause for you.

Okay, Okay and the third and final reason for me to engage others in the world wide web of complex neuroses that is my life.... I am bored at work a lot. Cheers - I blogged.