My milkshakes bring all the boys to my yard

Remember how I told you about Sandy from the list serve and the demise of every animal in her yard? She struck again last week with this lovely mental image, "A buyer backed out on me and I have an extra pig/hog. The way I do hogs is you pay up front for the cost of the hog plus the cost of feed. You are responsible for paying the butcher." Yay, thanks. I'll sit at my desk with a kosher ham sandwich and chew on the idea of a Charlotte's Web remake for a bit.

But wait, yesterday something EVEN BETTER came down the pipe...

WOMEN EMPOWERMENT FITNESS CLASS
Sign ups are now available for the upcoming Woman Empowerment Fatale Fitness class. Ladies, are looking for a new way to work out? Come check out the hottest new craze in women's fitness: poll fitness! University Activities Board and Campus Rec bring you the instructors of poll fitness and yoga from Fatale Fitness for a special one time 2 hour session on March 30th. There are only 20 spots available, so tell a friend a sign up today!

Um. WHERE.TO.START. Definitely not the notion that an official announcement could be laden with THIS many errors. Perhaps poll/pole was intentional? Like if you spell that one word differently people won't think you are training young college students to be strippers under the auspice of "women's empowerment"? Why wasn't I given this training opportunity in college? I couldn't quite make out the small print but I'm pretty sure it said "brief coke snorting tutorial and free eye drops to the first three registrants - panties optional"

WEB-LOG CONFESSION... I actually considered going.

After all, it is a real studio and was endorsed by our local paper complete with tutorial video footage (that pervert from Thailand is going be all over this one!) so why not take up a hobby? I knew my bedroom was missing something. Fung Sha-way this baby- let's put the cat box right next to my greasy stripper pole.

I mean the possibilities are endless - tone the upper body, build cardiovascular endurance AND FEEL EMPOWERED. If "poll" dancing is the newest craze and it really does burn calories while building self image - who's to judge? (Carmen Electra was never a very credible source)

Over the past 24 hours since receiving this email, I've actually pictured myself upside down on a metal rod wearing a mint floss bikini and four inch stilettos. I even threw in a belly button ring and a star tattoo on my wrist for good measure. So if the session wasn't IN MARCH? so expensive and REALLY far from my house - I would sign up. Physical talent should not be underestimated, and I actually think stair climbers and treadmills preclude women from expressing their femininity. And in a few months when I'm all 'Cirque du Soleil' on you people don't say you didn't hear it here first.

Let's take a POLE!

reality TV is always better than basketball

DH and I watched two new reality TV show this week [since its the first time we've turned on our TV in over two months!] First we attemped to watch Big Brother, and although it was my fav reality TV show and I've watched every season [even the crappy couples one that was on during the strike Big Brother 10] this seaons is terrible. Usually, I will give a show a try for at least 3 episodes [hense how Private Practice grew on me and I decided NO on Greys Anatomy] but not this time. BB10 was one and out. Everyone on the show is trashy and nasty [except for the gpa - why is he there?] I refuse to tune in. I refuse.

Our next show was sponsored by Nike and called Road to Redemption [why does this word have a “p” in it??] DH loves Duke basketball and Coach K [Mike Krzyzewski, pronounced SHI-CHEF-SKI, NOT KRI-ZEW-SKI, again PHONICS people!] is the head coach. Although watching basketball isn’t my favorite thing to do [gets a little boring sometimes] this show was great. It was like real world meets NBA stars in China. There are 5 episodes and we watched two the other night. The only part that sucked were the commercials… 3 minute long NIKE commercials! We thought we were watching another show and then wait – this is a commercial for shoes… omg its not stopping…omg its still going... wtf. So I thought I would give you a little taste of the show.

Real Show:
[Dun Dun Dun] "Here, today, for the first time in history, beloved teammates Kobe Bryant and LeBron James will interview… together”

Kobe: I have always watched LeBron from a far and respect his game.
LeBron: Gaurding Kobe makes me a better player, I never thought that could happen and then I've watched and learned from his game play.
Kobe: LeBron talks all the time, talks talks talks - always has something to say. He is a funny guy.
LeBron: I like to talk.

Okay people, is this a love fest? They are sitting on opposite sides of a couch and I really think they were reading cue cards. So I made up a better interview, one I would actually like to hear.

My interview with LeBron:
Me: Welcome, LeBron…O-H
LeBron: I-O
Me: Sweet. So LeBron, why do you have two capital letters in your name?
LeBron: I do? Oh, yeah, well my mom was kinda bad at English. They don’t proof read that stuff in the hospital you know.
Me: Did she ever consider DeBron?
LeBron: No.
Me: I remember when you got in trouble because someone bought you a Hummer with NBA money while you were still in high school.
LeBron: I don’t have to pay for Hummers anymore.
Me: hehe.
Me: You have a $90 million dollar shoe contract with Nike. They own you.
LeBron: Yes, they do, I have a NIKE toothbrush.
Me: You have a bronze medal from the 2004 Olympics. Where do you keep it?
LeBron: It’s hanging on my ESPY award.
Me: In March, you were the first black man to appear on the cover of VOGUE. You posed with Gisele Bundchen and some considered the cover offensive and racist. Did she happen to mention if Leo DiCaprio was a good lay?
LeBron: Um…no.
Me: Do you like the movie Love and Basketball with Omar Epps?
LeBron: I’m not sure if I saw it.
Me: Have you ever played basketball with Omar Epps?
LeBron: Um.. is he in the NBA?
Me: I hate you.

Stay tuned for more interviews with these beautiful black men. If you have any questions you would like answered please phone a friend.