Gym's leaving on a truck with a lizard

Yesterday I was a sad day at the gym. Gym Boyfriend, my gym boyfriend, got a new job driving a truck [as opposed to his ambiguous old job that I could not identify, only that it allowed him to be at the gym at least 8 hrs a day – not on the payroll]. Last night for cycling class I used a special CD for his last ride and even worked in a racing game [aww Gym loves racing games]. Afterwards I gave him some parting words:

Me: Now don’t get all hooked on meth and prostitutes okay?
Gym: Oh no, that’s not for me, I’m not parking in the back row.
Me: ?
Gym: That’s where the ‘lot lizards’ hang out – so the truck stop employees can’t see them.
Me: well keep those lizards off your lizard. Hepatitis is not fun [not to mention, you already have that eye disease]
Gym: Yeah, I don’t want crabs.
Me: ...

He said he will make a guest appearance every now and then when he’s not “on the road.” He also told me he is going to survive on protein powder and egg whites and pack some hand weights in his cab and that he was allowed to have a small dog [but probably won't get one]. WTF? Truck drivers are allowed to have small dogs running around in the cab? That doesn’t sound right – but okay. Do what you need to do Gym. So with Gym gone, FI no longer has to worry about me eyeing his popsicle shaped form – or contracting his eye disease and love for the Tarheels. Safe Travels Gym.

Now for a few comments on television. Last night I was boycotting my wedding planning to watch TV.

First, I don’t watch How I Met Your Mother, but I’ve Tivo’ed the two episodes with Britney Spears. The first one was comical, but in the second one – wow did she look fat. Not to mention they left the story end open – so I assume she’ll be back. Not watching another one of her prime time cameos. Also I think she wore her own jewelry, she had on this ugly b-dazzled butterfly necklace. I seriously think she stole it off a BRATZ doll. Give it back. Seriously.

Second, the scrubs finale – WTF!!?? That show is so fubar right now, ending on NBC, switching to ABC. Did they forget in the second-to-last episode that Dr. Kelso retired? Oh right because then in the last episode he was back, they all wore gay medieval costumes and way too much makeup while Dr. Cox narrated a dumb fairytale story to his ADD kid who never blinks. I was so pissed I even yelled at FI when the show started. I know it wasn’t his fault the episodes were out of sequence and the entire premise sucked, but he was the only one there. Then he called me cranky and that made me cranky. Screw You Scrubs! True Story.

Just you wait Henry Higgins, just you wait!

I’m pretty happy I’m off the market. The meat market that is – I’m now limited to a selected person’s meat and that’s totally fine with me. I like his meat – I do. Forever. Anyway, Heidi and I were at the gym last night talking about single people we know. I totally feel for my friends who are single. Like I don’t care about people who are 18 and single, but then again I don’t have any teenage friends. I would never want to have to date again, get to know someone again, tell someone I do not like cheese on my salad again! So I have this guy friend from my JYAD club (jewish young adult daytonians) and he was all like “I got stood up by a waitress at Flavors last night and now I’m suicidal”. My first question: What the hell is Flavors and why do single men hang out there?! [Gym, my gym boyfriend, also hangs out there. It’s definitely on my list of places to check out.] Second I ask, why is it so hard for you to find a woman – what are you 32? I wanted to die because I made a joke like “well at least you’re not 40 and single” Insert foot in mouth – he totally IS 40!! [In my defense he looks like he’s 32 and has more hair than FI – but still felt bad] So I told him I would keep an eye out. He says he can’t post on E-Harmony [which is always my first suggestion] because he has to post his age and then people think he is lying about his picture. Like he is pulling out an old frat pic from college and trying to pass it off as his 40-year-old-self. I told him he can use me as a reference and I’ll totally talk him up. I’m helpful like that.

I actually know a few guys – really great ones – who are single. I started telling Heidi about my #1 single project. He is AMAZINGLY funny, smart, witty, likes to read, has four chest hairs, eats way to much pepper on his steak, enjoys beverages and unfortunately is tragically single. The only downside is he’s catholic but he’ll totally ditch christ for the possibility of getting laid [I think.] Part of the problem is he has a book disease – he buys them, writes them, stacks them, sells them, dusts them, logs them and chronically reads them!! He reads for a living – not actually for money but it’s pretty much all he does. His house is lined with bookshelves of neatly organized and cataloged books, all of which he’s read at least once. He had been using dial up and a landline phone up until last year and we finally convinced him to jump into the 21st century by subscribing both high speed internet and a cell phone. Phew! That took some convincing. He also recently bought a new car – so he is like a whole new person. He walks around yelling "Daddy’s got a brand new bag" – but I think that’s just the beer talking. Anyway, he really is great and now I am determined to marry him off. FI and I already tried to hook him up with a medical student which ended disastrously when we went on a double date. There wasn’t a single spark [she was a dud] and by the end of dinner FI bitched out the Don Pablos waitress [a nasty smoker with pink fritos posing as nails] AND the manager. Said party was embarrassed at his outburst and we left. Bad date. But I am determined to try again, this time with my equally single friend Jennie. She doesn’t leave her house because she’s too busy reading… what!? Two people obsessed with reading?! They will get married. Just wait internets!

Here at Globo Gym, we understand that "Ugliness" and "Fatness" are genetic disorders

So I have a boyfriend. [Right tam, you’re engaged so of course you have a boyfriend] No, other than FI, I have another boyfriend. His name is “gym” and his actual full name is “gym boyfriend”. This is an incredibly clever name, because I met him at the gym and that is where we rendezvous [<--I bet words like this really piss off first graders who are hooked on phonics] He is totally “that guy” who spends all of his time at the gym, may or may not have a job, and although he might be a little creepy you can’t help but feel bad for him and make him your boyfriend. Gym takes my cycling class and we do lunges together after class. I recently introduced him to my friend Heidi, and she approves [back off bitch].

I’ll give you all a visual. Gym’s body is shaped like a popsicle, one of those double ones that you can break apart and share with a friend. He wears the same North Carolina basketball jersey – every day. This is funny because once a guy came up to him and says “How bout that game last night, man those Tarheels really pulled one out” - Gym looked at the guy with a blank stare for I swear like two minutes and then said “what?” The guy was so confused he just walked away. He also owns 9 different pairs of Nike Shox, although I told him last night that was kinda gay. Oh and I forgot to tell you the best part, gym has some sort of eye disease where the skin peels off of his eyelids and leaves behind a red rash. Yep it’s totally sexy if you are into impetigo and shit. I think it also made his lashes fall out – but lashes are overrated anyway. Nuff said, I’m sure you are turned on already. Gym is a great friend; he text messages me on my phone and calls me “trouble”. Sometimes I think it’s because he forgets my real name. I need to be careful not to fall too hard though, he has lots of other woman-friends at the gym. He has morning friends, Tuesday friends, old friends, and evening friends. Once he went to a party with one of his evening friends and she introduced him as her “gym friend” – he was so livid that he will not talk to her ever again. I her defense I think she was just indicating where she met such a catch so that others could envy her, but he took it to mean they weren’t friends anywhere other than the gym. Gym also knows all of the athletic club gossip, who broke up, who’s on roids, who sent in an embarrassingly optimistic application to model bikinis at the Arnold Classic. He also somehow knows personal details about everyone there.

Me: wonder why shelia wasn’t in class today
Gym: well, I love her as a friend, but since her dog died and her kid OD’d on sleeping meds she’s really gone downhill. I think she might have had a hair appointment tonight, she needed to get her roots done. I also think her cable bill is late.
Me: I was thinking traffic but okay. wow.

So last month I finally broke down and told FI about Gym. At first he was mad, he said that all men have hidden agendas and he probably wants to bend me over and boink my pretty parts. "Whatever" I said, "he’s nice and he’s shaped like a popsicle." I think FI hated him most because of the NC jersey – stupid Duke fans can’t even be open minded for a second. Anyway, FI has decided to let this play out. Although he did say I was not to get into his car [he has a truck anyway] and not to be alone with him or give out our address. And I am happy with that, because you know what, maybe there are pictures of me taped to his visor and maybe he has a deep well in his basement that he keeps a small dog in and lowers food to it twice a day [maybe once, he is at the gym A LOT]. But for now, we have a bond me and Gym, and doing lunges with him is not going to get me pregnant and but it might get me better thighs. Marriage is full of sacrifice; I just hope I don’t get that eye disease.